Why even throw to him? Albert Pujols is making a mockery of the game of baseball. In 14 games this season, Pujols has already hit the ball over the fencing setup in the outfield 10 times. Now before I continue with my man crush on Big Al, let me address something.

I have been told by several people in recent weeks that I am not critical enough. They say I kiss too much badunkadunk. I’ll admit it. I do a lot of that. There is a reason. I don’t want people attacking me. I fight like Dick Cheney shoots a gun. I am about as dangerous as a Jamie Moyer changeup. So in honor of those folks who say I hand out way too much praise, sit back and enjoy the most biased and over-the-top column in the history of the written word.

Pujols is on pace to hit 116 home runs and drive-in 231 runs this year. As the kids would say, “That is just sick, man.” As the immortal Big Pun would say, “He ain’t a player – he just crushes a lot.” (Did Big Pun and Biggie ever engage in a rap battle over their collective obesity? Would Fat Joe have a beef? What about Bubba Sparxx?)

I joked in an earlier column that Pujols should become part of the religious studies curriculum at Iowa State in the near future. It was worth a chuckle at the time, but his performance in the first two weeks of the season are making me reconsider the joke. He just may be worthy. Some folks believe in Scientology. Why not Albertism?

Consider this: On Easter Sunday, Pujols hit three home runs, including a game winner in the ninth. Perhaps he was sending a signal? Or was it just coincidence? You decide. The 1-2 pitch on the inside corner that he launched over the outfield wall in the final inning did seem like it had some “Angels in the Outfield”-type help. Mortals don’t keep that ball fair. But as he has proven time and time again, Pujols isn’t mortal.

In five seasons in the bigs, the Great One has already hit 211 bombs. He is only 26 years old. His career batting average is a video game-esque .333. Anybody else play Ken Griffey Baseball on Super Nintendo? Remember how everybody picked the Mariners because Griffey and Jay Buhner hit big flies like Paris Hilton switches partners? Well, the Big Poo even destroys their virtual statistics. And he is playing in the real world.

Last week they showed Pujols in batting practice tossing a ball up in the air to himself. With the ball floating straight down, he proceeded to swing his stick, sending it 400 feet into the bleachers. It was so amazing, I just about had a stroke.

Pujols has Chuck Norris-like ability. In fact, he is more dangerous than Norris. Yep, I said it. If Norris would try to roundhouse kick him in the face, he would take Norris’ foot and tomahawk that thing the opposite way for a three-run home run. I have no doubt.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. The only thing fear has to fear is Norris. And the only thing Norris has to fear is Pujols with a big piece of lumber in his hands.

You can’t stop him; you can only hope to walk him.

– Brent Blum is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.