Recently I’ve had a few pressing matters on my mind, the first of those being whether I could somehow win a position in the upcoming Government of the Student Body election without actually being on the ballot or running a campaign. A close second, however, was an interesting article I recently saw on CNN.com about a very angry man living in Moss Bluff, Florida.

This man, Franklin Paul Crow, beat his roommate, Kenneth, to death with hammers because they ran out of toilet paper in their apartment. Apparently the two got into a heated debate over who was to blame for the shortage, and Ken pulled out his rifle on Frank. In response, Frank grabbed his claw and sledge hammers and proceeded to assail Ken until he was identifiable only through fingerprint analysis.

At first, I thought both men might have slightly overreacted. After all, there are plenty of worse things to run out of in your apartment, such as grace periods on your gas and water bill payments or chewy granola bars. In fact, the same situation occurred in my apartment early last semester, yet I managed to abstain from killing my roommates.

However, I believe the reason I left my roommates alive and Frank did not does not have anything to do with an “unstable personality,” a “history of violence” or “loaded weapons in the home.” Simply put, I think the questionable toilet paper used in the public restrooms at Iowa State has caused me to forget the true value of proper toilet paper.

Sound bizarre and unfathomable? This is probably because you, too, have forgotten the joys of proper toilet paper.

At Iowa State, the majority of the public restrooms are stocked with single-ply, low-quality toilet paper. This stuff is terrible. In the pasta world, it’s the noodle equivalent of ramen. In Pine-Car Derby season, Boy Scouts could raid our restrooms if they run out of sandpaper and need a substitute to smooth out the chassis of their vehicles.

Early last semester, a concerned student wrote to the Daily, complaining that the toilet paper felt like 150-grit sandpaper, and that it was neither absorbent nor cleansing. Additionally, the Thielen Student Health Center issued a statement claiming chronic usage of bad toilet paper poses a health hazard. Individuals who use the inferior paper are at higher risk to develop a condition called “pruritis ani,” which roughly translates to “bum itch.”

I realize now that this is the issue to take a stand on, the issue that will propel me to my GSB position. If Iowa State claims to be a prestigious university, it should first look to satisfying its members’ most basic needs, such as life without heightened risk of anal itches. Just as it would look bad to feed the students and faculty ramen on a daily basis in dining centers, feeding low quality toilet paper to our bathrooms is not a sign of an elite organization.

My plan is to remedy this issue by lobbying for an increase in toilet paper funding. If the university is hesitant to splurge on upgraded toilet paper (either the Classical or Navajo method of double-ply toilet paper would be acceptable), they could instead invest in the cutting-edge technology of Japanese toilets, which clean via bidets and air jets, circumventing the need for toilet paper entirely. Although the initial cost would be higher, the university would cut toilet paper costs significantly and end up saving money in the long run.

Although increasing the quality in our restrooms might make students and faculty more prone to commit homicides, I think it’s a risk worth taking. So when you go to vote this week, vote for the man who’s thinking of your comfort, and will satisfy your need for a consistently pleasant restroom experience.

See you at the polls.

– Aaron Weiner is a senior in psychology from Wilmette, Ill.