Lurking in the corner like a drunk on Welch Avenue is the Major League Baseball season. Indeed, only four days separate us from opening night when the Indians and the defending champs White Sox get it started. With that in mind, here are my somewhat off-color but deadly accurate thoughts and predictions for the 2006 season.

Mark Prior’s and/or Kerry Wood’s arms will literally fall off during the season. On hearing of this catastrophic injury, Carlos Zambrano will become so violently upset he will storm into Dusty Baker’s office and proclaim, “Give the ball to Carlos! Give the ball to Carlos! I pitch all games! Give the ball to Carlos!”

White Sox closer Bobby Jenks will become such a cult hero that fans across the nation will refer to all clutch performances as a “jenk.” For example, after pulling a miraculous “A” on that philosophy test, you tell all your buddies, “I just jenked that test.” And everybody will understand.

The Minnesota Twins’ Torii Hunter will take his Superman persona a step too far and jump off the Metrodome roof in hopes of taking flight. Hunter will luckily land on new Twins’ third-baseman Tony Batista’s spacious backside and emerge unscathed. However, the next day Hunter will pull his groin while running out a ground ball. He has a weaker groin than Paris Hilton.

Albert Pujols will move one step closer to being a chapter in all religious textbooks. Andy Pettite already proclaimed him as a god in last year’s NLCS.

In a game with the Indians, the Kansas City Royals’ new additions Mark Grudzielanek and Doug Mientkiewicz will get into an argument about who has the most confusing last name. The Indians’ Jhonny Peralta will intervene from his shortstop position and proclaim, “At least you don’t have an h in the wrong place.” They will all agree.

Corey Patterson will be booed in Baltimore by the end of April after requesting P!nk’s “Stupid Girls” as his song when he comes to bat. Or because he’s terrible.

ESPN will become so infatuated with the Yankees and Red Sox they will run an hour-long highlight show of replays from previous games. They will name it “Baseball Tonight.” Oh wait – they already do that.

Barry Bonds and the word “alleged” will become as interchangeable as LaTroy Hawkins and the word “blown.”

Alfonso Soriano will become the worst outfielder since Jose Canseco. He will create new ways to let teams score. In fact, by August the Nats will opt to go with a revolutionary two-outfielder strategy to prevent Soriano from screwing things up.

The Blue Jays will contract themselves after realizing they gave $50 million dollars to B.J. Ryan’s 6.79 earned run average.

Whatever happens, I can’t wait for the 162-game journey. To get my complete thoughts on all of the teams and predictions for the season, check out my blog Friday at Iowastatedaily.net/blum. Just think, by the time this season is all wrapped up Iowa State will have won in Kinnick Stadium and concussed Drew Tate – again.

– Brent Blum is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.