Any football fan can appreciate the weeks their favorite gridiron gods spend on the training grounds throwing their shoulders against heavy bags and shuffling their feet between tires.

However, the players aren’t the only ones who spend the season conditioning – it works on both sides of the screen.

Think about it: While the jersey-clad titans have been tearing up the field with their coordinated athletic attacks, their hypnotized fans have been tearing up their guts and livers with the likes of snack foods and carbonated drinks all season.

Sunday after Sunday, these sofa warriors push the boundaries of how many beers they can put down during the three-hour competition and still roll into work Monday morning headache-free.

Well, you livingroom kings and queens, it’s time to show us what the last 20-some-odd weeks have taught you. It’s that sacred weekend of the year when the pigskin is the new stars and stripes, Queen’s “We are the Champions” is the new “Star-Spangled Banner” and John Madden, simply put, is the new god.

Grab some sobriety-prohibiting substances and some artery-blocking food, put your rent check down on your favorite team, get some insults ready for supporters of the opposition, kick that recliner back and get ready to party. That’s right sport fans, it’s the freakin’ Super Bowl!

1 – SNACKS

If you’re hearing this for the first time, go to the nearest window and throw yourself out of it. Every Super Bowl snacking experience should be deep-fried, covered in butter and sprinkled with sugar. Anything else is purely un-American and clearly the thinking of a freedom hater. We all know that this is a game for the hot dog and hamburger type of guy, so act accordingly and load up on potato salad, chips, Twinkies, nachos and so on. Don’t worry, there are no such things as calories on Super Bowl Sunday. It’s a medically proven fact.

2 – DRINKS

If you’re a law-abiding minor or are planning on watching the game as soon as you get back from church, there is an aisle dedicated to your beverage needs at any supermarket. It’s labeled “soda.”

For the rest of the of the boot-wearin’, tobacco-chewin’, truck-drivin’ audience, there are only two drinks suitable for the occasion: booze and Pepto-Bismol. As far as the booze goes, it breaks down like this: Either fire-sale cases of Keystone, Old Style and Natural Ice, or plastic handles of any of the wonderful Hawkeye brand products. Remember, you’ve wasted your Super Bowl if you wake up the next morning and actually remember who won.

3 – ELECTRONICS

Super Bowl Sunday is the unofficial holiday of gluttonous manhood. Therefore it goes without saying that one TV in the living room will not cut it. There should be a minimum of two screens in any pigskin-worshipping household. One for the game and one for an NCAA 2006 Xbox tournament. Add a projector and some surround sound and worship in the all-male, all-electronic technology utopia.

4 – FRANZIA

If for some reason some XX chromosomes make their way into the testosterone fest, be prepared to woo them with a nice glass of red wine. Of course, all real men know to have a box of Franzia handy at all times. Girls love a man with a cultured taste.

5 – MANNEQUIN

Call this a stress reliever for when your team is down 70-0 in the first quarter. Simply dress this poor plastic sucker up in the colors of the opposing team, grab some brass knuckles and a baseball bat, begin swearing and continue to pummel the lifeless gaze right out of it. It’s sure to make you feel 100 times better and keep you out of jail on some nasty assault charges.

6 – FOOTBALL

Nothing says halftime like a pickup game of tackle football outside on the asphalt. Don’t let all the glory belong to the on-screen player, you were also worthy of some playing time back when you made varsity your junior year, but “sick” the day the college recruiters were around. Since you’ve been telling the story in every bar ever since, get out there and show the world what they’re missing. What else are you going to do, listen to the Rolling Stones’ “Satisfaction” for the millionth time? Get out there and go all the way to pay dirt.

Super Bowl Alternatives

Around Ames:

ISU men’s basketball vs. Colorado at 1 p.m. in Hilton Coliseum. Tickets are $10 and $22.

ISU wrestling vs. Penn State at noon at Ames High School.

“Showcase Concert” by the ISU Honor Choir at 7:30 p.m. in the Martha-Ellen Tye Recital Hall.

On TV:

“Monk” marathon on USA Network from 4 p.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday.

“America’s Next Top Model” marathon on VH1 from noon to 9 p.m.

“What Not to Wear” marathon on TLC from 7 p.m. to midnight.

“The Investigators” marathon on Court TV from noon to 8 p.m.

“The O’Reilly Factor” marathon on FOX News Channel from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m.

“Inside the Actors Studio” airs from 9 p.m. to 11 p.m. on Bravo with Liza Minnelli.

Three episodes of “The Simpsons” followed by three episodes of “Family Guy” on FOX from 7 p.m. to 10 p.m.

– Chelsea Koster

– The Associated Press