Hawthorne Heights

“If Only You Were Lonely” (Victory)

Sounds like: Gollum getting stabbed repeatedly while blowing an airhorn, Matchbook Romance

REVIEW: 0 / 5

In short: Hawthorne Heights sucks.

It’s pretty funny when a track from Hawthorne Heights’ newest album is called “Where Can I Stab Myself in the Ears.” Turns out, however, self-deprecation doesn’t make your music any better. A turd covered in sprinkles is still a steaming pile of nasty.

The most enjoyable part of “If Only You Were Lonely” is how most of the songs were seemingly written by an expert team of dyslexic monkeys, with such lines as “These lips need medication, these days are dripping poison, girl/Days to turn to nights I wish on the stars in the sky.” This begs the question: What is this guy talking about and how can I punch him in the groin? My recommendation is that somebody needs to get him some Blistex and a helmet.

Perhaps this whole “talent” thing is overrated. Maybe lyrics such as “she is in my bloodstream tonight she’s draining me” are way ahead of their time. But for the chemically-balanced listeners, throw me a bone. When I open up the jewel case, how about a CD-shaped graham cracker I could munch on? A Mickey Mouse bookmark? Something?

Following the Hawthorne Heights school of writing lyrics, I’ve devised some of my own: “Your tears are like a fire/Melting into my eyes and into my wrists/Giraffes riding zebras, giraffes riding zebras (unintelligible screaming).”

With genius like this, I’ll be wearing gold-plated diapers in no time.

– Rob Lombardi