Being a self-proclaimed Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fanatic, I almost wet my pants when I found out the Daily scored four backstage passes to Saturday’s Vanilla Ice concert. I was even more ecstatic when Ice agreed over the phone to autograph my copy of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze.”

Originally scheduled to meet with Ice at 2:30 p.m. at the 7 Flags Event Center, Rob Lombardi, Kevin Stillman, Nick Farris and I jumped in our cars and headed to Des Moines with more anticipation than a ferret in heat. After arriving, we ended up wasting the afternoon meandering around the venue, waiting for Ice’s entourage to show up.

The venue reminded me of a giant abandoned Sam’s Club, only without the overly cheerful ID-checking door Nazis and 30-foot racks of bulk merchandise. We conversed about all things Ice and got so bored we resorted to flocking to the bathroom (like girls, or sheep) and playing with the hyper-powered industrial hand dryer.

The hours flew by, and around 4:30 p.m. members of old-school opening act Tone Loc entered the barn-shaped room. Strangely enough, they were all eating KFC, and they were accompanied by a rather large entourage of jumpsuit-wearing hip-hop apprentices who ended up being very friendly, regardless of their intimidating appearances.

Ice’s band and management also showed up, and for some reason nobody could tell us where the heck Ice was or even what time the show was supposed to start. After we spent a good deal of time admiring Tone Loc from afar, Ice finally showed up four hours after we had originally planned to meet. He was wearing an oversized white T-shirt that hung to his knees, and he didn’t seem very happy.

After watching him do a sound check, which consisted of cranking speakers to their squealing point then turning them down a hair, the self-proclaimed “hard-core” rapper finally took some time to talk to us. Embracing us like long-lost friends, Ice gave out high fives and gave me a disappointing handshake (it wasn’t firm!).

He graciously complied with our photo requests and made lots of small talk with us, even showing off and explaining his new “V-Ice” tattoo.

I finally mustered up the courage to whip out my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles video and a Sharpie. Ice busted out giggling and held up the video, shouting at his stage crew “Hey – you guys remember this shit?!”

If nothing else, the video was good for a laugh. Ice signed my video and explained that he would be performing his infamous “Ninja Rap” and “Ice, Ice, Baby” with a revised hard-core twist.

After meeting the man of our dreams, Rob headed home and the rest of us went to get some dinner before the show. When we returned, we snuck in the back door to the green room, walking past multiple bouncers unquestioned.

As we stumbled into a room full of girls in fur coats and hip-hopsters sipping rum and Coke, Tone Loc beckoned us to their corner and asked us where to find the local “cannabis club.” Apparently being white and poorly dressed meant we were local weed experts. Despite our lack of helpfulness, Tone Loc gave us a lecture on all things marijuana until they took the stage to perform.

During a surprisingly energetic set, the group grabbed a young boy from the crowd, bringing him onstage, making him dance and giving him a $100 bill. Damn. The boy stayed onstage for the duration of the set, grinding with drunk women at least twice his age and singing along to Tone Loc’s songs at the top of his lungs, using curse words I didn’t learn until I was at least a few years older than him – not that anybody seemed to care.

The night climaxed when Vanilla Ice took the stage. His presence was huge, and the primarily white, drunk crowd exploded in applause. Ice performed several new songs reminiscent of Limp Bizkit and followed through with his promise, performing a hard-core version of “Ice, Ice Baby.”

With ears ringing, we began the long drive home with satisfied appetites for all things Ice and an experience we’ll likely never forget.

– Dan McClanahan is a sophomore in pre-journalism and mass communication.