Sometimes, things just plain suck. Sometimes, things are absolutely phenomenal. And, more often than not, those things that just plain suck are inexplicably labeled great and the things that are absolutely phenomenal get no credit for their awesomeness. So, for my last list of the semester, I am crying out against these injustices, hoping that someday, somewhere, these people will realize they are overrated and bequeath their pop-culture thrones to the rightful, underrated owners.

Celebrity trend

Overrated: Drug addiction. The celebrity addiction has been played out for years – even the Olsen twins are now addicted to whatever happens to be the feel-good narcotic of the month, and I remember when the worst thing they did was stage a protest against Rigby the Rhino. But what’s even worse is that now, any time a celebrity gets caught doing something remotely wrong, they immediately call a press conference and give a half-assed apology. Terrell Owens did it when he mouthed off to his Eagles teammates, Russell Crowe did it when he bashed a hotel concierge with a phone, Hugh Grant did it after a Hollywood prostitute paid him lip service, and the list goes on and on. One of two things needs to happen: Either (a) we go back to the good ol’ days, when no one apologized (Frank Sinatra never apologized for punching a newspaper columnist in the mouth and John F. Kennedy never apologized for having extramarital sex with Marilyn Monroe in the White House), or (b) celebrities need to start apologizing for the right things. We can start with Britney Spears apologizing for “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” and Creed apologizing for ever making music.

Underrated: Naming children something absolutely ridiculous. Moon Unit Zappa, the daughter of Frank Zappa, is the best example of this, but there are so many more: John Mellencamp’s child is named Speck Wildhorse, Jason Lee named his kid Pilot Inspektor and Rob Morrow named his daughter Tu (yeah, Tu Morrow). Naming a child after a food or household item is even more underrated. Gwenyth Paltrow named her daughter Apple and Michael Jackson’s son, Prince Michael II, goes by “Blanket.” I’m waiting for Angelina Jolie to adopt another kid from Botswana or Myanmar and name it Ron Popeil Showtime Rotisserie.

Band

Overrated: A tie between Dave Matthews Band and Coldplay. Dave Matthews Band is a good band. I’ll even go so far as to say it’s a great band. But, despite what every wannabe-pothead college student says, Dave Matthews Band is not the greatest band in the world. Not even close. And, as Chuck Klosterman wrote in “Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs,” “Coldplay is absolutely the shittiest f—ing band I’ve ever heard in my entire f—ing life. . They sound like a mediocre photocopy of Travis (who sound like a mediocre photocopy of Radiohead). . Their greatest f—ing artistic achievement is a video where their blandly attractive front man walks on a beach on a cloudy f—ing afternoon. . ‘For you I bleed myself dry,’ sang their blockhead vocalist, informing us that stars in the sky are, in fact, yellow. That sleepy-eyed bozo isn’t even making sense.” Then said vocalist impregnated Gwyneth Paltrow and named his kid Apple. Nice.

Underrated: The Velvet Underground and the Thrills, but for entirely different reasons. The Velvet Underground is the most underrated band of all time. Although moderately respected now (no thanks to Lou Reed, who absolutely refuses to go away – he recently did a show in New York with the freaking Roots), the Underground was, in its day, just what its name suggests – underground. The band had slim to no commercial success during its five-year run, but was one of the most influential bands for future experimental and punk rock. As far as more recent music goes, however, the Thrills are extremely underrated. Although not as good as the White Stripes or the Strokes or the Vines or the Hives, all of those bands have received the proper commendation. The Thrills are, however, better than the Killers, Kaiser Chiefs, Shout Out Louds, Von Bondies and Franz Ferdinand, but all of those bands get much more play and much more respect.

Album

Overrated: “Born to Run” by Bruce Springsteen. It seems like it should be either a Dave Matthews Band album or a Coldplay album (although, now that I think about it, “X&Y” is extremely overrated), but “Born to Run” gets the nod. For the record, this album is fantastic; but it is often placed near the top of best-album lists, where it doesn’t belong. There are at least eight Beatles albums, five Led Zeppelin albums, three Jimi Hendrix Experience albums, three Bob Dylan albums, three Rolling Stones albums, two Who albums and even an Elton John album, among others, that are better.

Underrated: “Axis: Bold as Love” by the Jimi Hendrix Experience; “Houses of the Holy” by Led Zeppelin. “Axis” is the forgotten Hendrix album, and it’s easy to see how it could be. It has none of the band’s best-known songs on it, but that doesn’t mean it’s worse. I think it is more solid from beginning to end than both “Electric Ladyland” and “Are You Experienced?”. “Houses of the Holy” is rarely even mentioned in Zeppelin conversations, let alone in conversations about the best rock albums, often being cloaked in the shadow of 1971’s behemoth “IV” and the also-underrated “III.”

Wilson

Overrated: Wilson Wilson, the neighbor from “Home Improvement.” In a show that revolved almost solely around pointless shtick, the you-can’t-see-my-face bit was the worst.

Underrated: Carnie Wilson, of Wilson Phillips. Carnie once told me that someday, somebody was going to make me want to turn around and say goodbye. But ’til then, baby, she asked, are you gonna let them hold you down and make you cry? She told me things would change – things would go my way – if I just held on for one more day. And you know what? She was right.

Lawrence

Overrated: of Arabia

Underrated: Joey. Whoa!

Element

Overrated: Oxygen

Underrated: Mendelivium

TV show

Overrated: “Frasier.” “Frasier” won a whopping 37 Emmy Awards and three Golden Globes. Not bad for a situation comedy that was severely lacking in the comedy area.

Underrated: “Scrubs.” One of the funniest shows on TV, “Scrubs” launched the career of possibly the most all-around talented person in Hollywood in recent years, Zach Braff.

Adventure

Overrated: Pee Wee’s Big

Underrated: Bill and Ted’s Excellent

Source of cocaine

Overrated: Colombia

Underrated: Robert Downey Jr.’s bloodstream

Blatantly homoerotic movie

Overrated: “Top Gun.” A shirtless, glistening Tom Cruise takes on a shirtless, glistening Val Kilmer in a rough-and-tumble game of . volleyball? The two battle each other, slapping playful high-fives with their teammates to the tune of Kenny Loggins. After the game, Cruise hops on – what else? – his crotch rocket, and drives off into the sunset, listening to Berlin’s “Take my Breath Away.”

Underrated: “To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.” In 1996, both Patrick Swayze and John Leguizamo were nominated for a Golden Globe for this film. If all it takes to get nominated for a Golden Globe is for a man to dress in women’s clothing, how does a British comedy not sweep the awards every year?

Movie

Overrated: “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”

Underrated: “Weekend at Bernie’s”

“Saved by the Bell” character

Overrated: Zack

Underrated: Max

Jamaican bobsled team:

Overrated: 1988. So they had a movie made about them. And, yeah, that movie had John Candy and Doug E. Doug in it. Big deal – the team still did horribly.

Underrated: 1992. In 1992, the Jamaican bobsled team placed 14th, ahead of the United States, France, Russia and Italy. And that’s way better than having a movie made about you starring Uncle Buck.

Fitness celebrity

Overrated: Richard Simmons. Simmons hasn’t really done much since “Disco Sweat,” and that was in 1995. In the fast-paced world of aerobic-workout videos set to vaguely familiar songs, you always have to be working – and Simmons hasn’t done that. Plus, John Basedow is apparently pretty important, since someone started a rumor that he was dead (I don’t think that has happened since Paul McCartney). The only untrue rumor ever started about Simmons is that he doesn’t stuff his unitard with a balled-up sock.

Underrated: John Basedow and his seemingly superimposed hair. Possibly the most famous hair in the fitness infomercial business (is that really a business?), Basedow’s bouffant stays in place even as he does jumping jacks, lifts weights and awkwardly displays the case for his “Fitness Made Simple” DVD (it’s only $31.95!), all the while showing off his manly Milk Dud nipples. Plus, only the strongest, most fit hair-do could withstand the sheer amount of hairspray he must use.

Actor

Overrated: Orlando Bloom. He’s a beautiful man, but he cannot act at all. Despite actually being British, everything he says sounds like a weak attempt at a British accent. And he’ll never have the facial acting skills of Jean-Claude Van Damme, but all I ask is for one look that’s not the “I’m very frustrated and upset but instead of expressing my emotions outwardly, I’m going to keep them quietly bottled up until I let everything out at an inopportune time” look.

Underrated: Peter Sarsgaard and Don Cheadle. I predict that Sarsgaard will soon get the acclaim and respect he deserves after getting no love for his roles in “Garden State,” “Kinsey,” “The Salton Sea” and as one of only two believable actors in “Shattered Glass.” But, until that day comes, he is still extremely underrated. Cheadle, on the other hand, looked as though he would finally get his due credit when he was nominated for a best actor Oscar for “Hotel Rwanda,” but he was snubbed for Jamie Foxx. So until he wins, Cheadle will remain underrated.

Actress

Overrated: Angelina Jolie. Not only is her acting ability overstated, so is her sex appeal. She looks like a gecko, but I seriously doubt seeing her movies – none of which are very good anyway (except, of course, for “Hackers”) – will save me any money on my car insurance.

Underrated: Rue McClanahan. The youngest, most sexually aggressive Golden Girl, McClanahan made it OK for the elderly to talk freely about their sexuality, – which is a good thing, I guess.

Form of communication

Overrated: Instant messaging. I don’t c y every1 is so enthralled with this. Sure, it’s ez 4 u 2 talk w/ a lot of ppl at once, u can kill time in classes and u can send pics and songs – but for the love of God, can anyone type normally anymore? It takes the same amount of time to type this: Sure, it’s easy for you to talk with a lot of people at once, you can kill time in classes and you can send pictures and songs.

Underrated: Candygram. And it’s all the better if it’s delivered by a barbershop quartet.

Mode of transportation

Overrated: Gigantic SUVs. They guzzle gas, they contribute to global warming, they take up two or three spots in the Memorial Union parking ramp and I’m pretty sure they run over puppies with little regard.

Underrated: Unicycle. You’ve seen them on campus. You’ve had the stick in your hand. You’ve thought about jamming that stick through their spokes too many times to count. But admit it – you always wonder if you’ve got the skills to ride it.

Human being

Overrated: Former U.S. President Franklin Pierce. What the hell did we need the Gadsden Purchase for, anyway?

Underrated: James Avery, who not only played Uncle Phil on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” but also did the voice of Shredder on the Ninja Turtles cartoon.