Somehow we all managed to get through the semester. For me, get through means survive, not necessarily pass.

I’ve been too busy trying to figure out Kyle Orton’s beard, instead of studying for my finals. Does he think by growing out a Grizzly Adams-like beard, people will be distracted enough to forget he’s Kyle Orton? Over the weekend I heard analyst Bill Maas call him a poor man’s Trent Dilfer. That pretty much sums it up.

Anyway, my editors wanted me to write some sort of semester in review, just in case you forgot or were in a drunken haze.

I’ll be honest, the Illinois State football game seems a long time ago. But, without further ado, let’s hit the way-back machine.

Can anybody tell me who scored the first points of the season for Iowa State? Nope, not Stevie Hicks. Not Todd Blythe. It wasn’t Bret Culbertson or Tony Yelk. Oh, then it had to be Ryan Kock. Sorry. Stumped?

The first points of the year were scored when Illinois State punter Ryan Hoffman launched a two-iron off his center’s large badonkadonk and back out of the endzone for a safety. Yes, I think that is the first time badonkadonk has been used in a legitimate news source. I’m breaking down barriers.

23-3. Yep, Iowa may be in a January bowl; but honestly, was there a greater scene all year than seeing their fans leave Jack Trice in droves after Iowa State pummeled them into submission halfway through the fourth quarter?

I’m not the only one who received calls from disparaged Hawk fans:

“Yeah, so, we’re not going to stay over in Ames tonight. We’re too tired, we’re going to hit the road. Oh, and Jason Manson sucks; you got lucky Tate was hurt. He was just about to find his rhythm.” I loved that phone call.

The volleyball and soccer teams exceeded all sorts of expectations. The soccer team became the first team from the state of Iowa to make the NCAA tourney, and the volleyball team finished with a winning record. They were, however, snubbed from the NCAA tourney. The snubbing was the worst decision since the person in charge of giving the OK to R. Kelly’s “Trapped in the Closet” videos.

How about Rahshon Clark making a late-charge to become a candidate for athlete of the first semester? Every time the man grabs the orange, people stop breathing. Screw David Blaine, Clark is the only human who can levitate.

The Cyclone women hoops squad is off to a torrid pace. They have a 5-1 record, despite only having six players recording significant minutes. They had four players with double-doubles in the win over Iowa last week. That is the hoops equivalent of drinking for eight hours straight one night and getting up the next morning with all your personal belongings still in your control, including your illegally parked car. Miraculous.

The first semester was full of so much more spectacular sporting activities. I didn’t even get to mention Brent Curvey’s rumble or Bruce Van de Velde’s stumble. I could have talked about LaMarcus Hicks’ quickness or Shawn Taggart’s sickness. I was about to write about Nick Leaders’ deceptive agility or Katie Churm’s digging ability. But, to my chagrin, I can’t make note of Joe Curran’s pin. Wow, I need some help. See you all in Houston.

– Brent Blum is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Urbandale.