Just because a band has a terrible name doesn’t mean the band is bad. In fact, some of the best (and most successful) bands in the history of music have some of the worst names in the history of music.

There are a lot more rules and guidelines for what makes a band’s name bad than for what makes a name good, and it is admittedly hard to come up with a good band name – usually the great bands let the music speak for itself. On the other hand, there are the bands whose names are terrible, music is terrible and general existence is terrible. It’s harsh, I know. But, for the most part, it’s true (see: Limp Bizkit).

There are many things that make a band’s name bad. There are some hard-line rules for horrible names and there are some ambiguous rules. What follows are my rules and a list of the all-time, top-10 worst band names.

Rule No. 1: Acronyms. Acronyms very rarely work as a band name. Usually, band members use acronyms for something so stupid there is no way they could gather the courage to name their band that. So they think, “Hey, why don’t we just use the initials of this stupid phrase – that’s edgy.” Guess what – it’s not.

Examples: AFI, OAR, REM, LL Cool J, LFO, ABBA, t.A.T.u.

Exceptions: Beastie Boys. Beastie supposedly stands for Boys Entering Anarchistic States Toward Internal Excellence, which, now that I think about it, isn’t a very good name, either. Exception withdrawn.

Rule No. 2: Ironic misspellings. Yet another lame attempt to make a crappy name good. Taking a ridiculous name that makes no sense and misspelling it – or worse yet, spelling it phonetically – doesn’t make the name good. Using Internet shorthand also doesn’t fix a bad name. This subrule usually applies only to songs, but any band that has a song titled “U and Me 4ever” or “OMG, the 2 of Us R so Gr8 2gether” most likely has a really bad name for their band as well.

Examples: Jackyl, Phish, Staind, Ludacris, Korn, Linkin Park, the Byrds, Puddle of Mudd.

Exceptions: Led Zeppelin, the Beatles (not a great name, but come on – it’s the Beatles), Snoop Dogg (because I’m scared of getting stabbed).

Rule No. 3: Anything with the word “Lil.” Lil is probably the worst word in the English language – and would someone decide where to put the apostrophe, already? Sometimes it’s li’l, sometimes it’s lil’, sometimes it’s just lil. Usually “lil” is completely unnecessary, as well. I don’t think anyone is going to confuse Lil Scrappy with a regular-sized Scrappy.

Examples: Lil Flip, Lil Kim, Lil Jon, Lil Bow Wow (who apparently grew up), Lil Romeo, Lil Scrappy.

Exceptions: This is one rule that has no apparent exceptions.

FYI: This rule also applies to mister – Mr. Big, Mr. Mister.

Rule No. 4: Boy bands. If you’re in a boy band, guess what – your band name sucks. Every boy band’s name has sucked, from New Kids on the Block to Hanson (for being too unoriginal). Hands down, no questions asked – they’re all bad.

Examples: 98 Degrees, the Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync, 5ive (are you kidding?), O-Town, LFO (which breaks two of the cardinal rules).

Rule No. 5: Don’t name your band any of the following – the 10 worst band names of all time.

1.) Limp Bizkit

This is not only the worst band name of all time, but probably the worst band ever. The name breaks rule No. 2, plus it stomps the life out of the notion that sometimes a nonsensical band name can be cool (this, however, is a rare occasion). My advice to Fred Durst – just give up. The band, music, life in general – just quit, Fred. Your entire career was a sham, your frequent appearances on TRL were just embarrassing, and no one – not even your boy Carson Daly – believed that you hooked up with Britney. In that area, you got shown up by famous-for-being-white-trash Kevin freaking Federline. Ouch!

2.) Haircut 100

Usually numbers in a band name are a bad idea (Blink 182, Sum 41, 504 Boyz, 311, Maroon 5, 3 Doors Down), but numbers are definitely a bad idea when paired with the word “haircut.” My only hope is that the 100 isn’t the dollar amount these guys paid for their haircuts, which look like if the guys from Duran Duran got mauled by an angry raccoon.

3.) Insane Clown Posse

Let’s get this straight: Two insane clowns (huh?) have formed a posse. What are they going to do, hunt down a band of train robbers on horseback and make them balloon animals? At least the two guys in the band (Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope) don’t have the absolute dumbest stage names I’ve ever heard.

4.) Chumbawamba

OK, the name is bad. Fine, I guess I can deal with it. But the band members couldn’t contain their insanity in just the name of the band – they needed a whole album to do it, so they named their debut “Tubthumper.” Chumbawamba supposedly comes from a band member’s dream, where he didn’t know which bathroom to use because one door said “chumba” and the other said “wamba.” If I based the name of my band on a dream I had (if I were in a band), it would be Fighting Skeletor from He-Man for Control of Belgium, which, sadly, is equally as good as Chumbawamba.

5.) Sixpence None the Richer

This name makes about as much sense as Bobcat Goldthwait on meth. I realize that a sixpence is equal to six pennies, but naming a band after money isn’t good (50 Cent) – and that goes for albums, too (Limp Bizkit’s “Three Dollar Bill, Y’all”). I owe my life to England for producing the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Who, Cream, the Kinks, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Keira Knightley, “The Office” and Suge Knight (he’s British, right?), but this was a huge miss by our friends across the pond, joining such other misses as the Spice Girls, Mr. Bean and cricket. What? Sixpence None the Richer is actually from Texas, not England? Well, tack that on to the laundry list of things wrong with this band and its name – there are few things worse than being faux-British. Hear that, Madonna?

6.) Meat Loaf

Where was he going with this name? He might as well have called himself Pulled Pork Sandwich or Baked Potato or Office Christmas Party Hors D’oeuvres Tray. Even with those names – which are no worse than Meat Loaf – “Bat Out of Hell” would still have hit No. 14 on the charts, “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” would still have been sung at every karaoke night from 1977 until eternity and “I Would do Anything for Love” would still be on every mixed tape a hopelessly awkward 7th-grade boy gives his girlfriend (plus it was on that Dr. Pepper commercial, which is cool – but not as cool as the Burger King commercial with Hootie).

7.) Ashlee Simpson

Yeah, it’s her real name, but she’s just that bad. This name is associated with mind-numbingly bad music, much like Johnny Cash is associated with country, James Brown is associated with soul and Celine Dion is associated with … well, actually, that name is also associated with mind-numbingly bad music.

8.) The Goo Goo Dolls

I really don’t know how the Goo Goo Dolls expected to sell any records. The band’s name pretty much tells the public that they’re not willing to put any time into their name, thus they probably aren’t going to put any time into their music. The Goo Goo Dolls actually aren’t that bad, so their name really does them a disservice.

9.) Wham!

George Michael and that other guy used an exclamation point in their name! Good thinking! It apparently didn’t hurt their record sales, though! The duo sold more than 20 million albums during their run through the 1980s! Apparently they squandered the money, though! Michael got arrested for soliciting sex in a men’s room and the other guy (Andrew Ridgeley!) most likely went on to wash people’s windshields with an old newspaper while they’re stopped at stoplights!

10.) Vitamin C

I would have gone with Riboflavin, but that’s just me. C was kicked off of the “celebrity” game show “Bootcamp” (which also starred Coolio, another bad name) after the first day – perhaps she should have taken more vitamins. Hi-oh!

Runners-up

Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, Puffy, Sean Combs, Bananarama, Monster Magnet, UB40, Creed, No Doubt, Hoobastank, Spacehog, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, the B-52s, Culture Club (and Boy George).