“Bam!”

If you’re a fan, you know who I’m quoting. A pudgy, jolly chef with a love for life and a flare for food.

Now, for those of you who don’t know who I’m talking about, maybe you haven’t flipped the channels on your TV high enough. Right after the home makeovers of HGTV and right before World Series of Poker on the Travel Channel, lies an under-rated, delicious station – the Food Network.

Yes, the Food Network. As dorky as this may sound, it’s darn addicting and I can’t turn it off. I’m going to take a guess and say it’s most likely a hit among the college crowd; at least it is for me.

As an obsessed fan, I’ve seen most every single show there is to see and have critiqued the cooks on every episode.

I have little food expertise, but coming from a simple person with limited resources and funds, I’ve picked up on some of the things one must do to make good food. According to the Food Network and my own perspective, this is what I’ve learned.

“Emeril Live” is undoubtedly the most watched cooking show on the Food Network.

I find great joy watching the cook get a rise out of his audience simply by adding some fresh garlic, essence, pork fat, lard or liquor to his dish. Also, the fact the audience is frequently seen hooting and hollering over butter makes me want to never stop watching. But what I’ve learned from Emeril about being a cook is this – life’s too short so eat the grease and be merry.

Moving on to one of my favorites: “Barefoot Contessa.” Whether it’s the fact she records this show right out of her nauseatingly beautiful home in the Hamptons, or the fact that every single food item she creates is picture perfect and delicious looking, Ina Garten has got me hooked.

In each episode, she makes dinner for a group of people and perfects it in a way that puts Martha Stewart to shame. This show is addictive – everything is a goody, gooey platter of heaven – and I want it. Garten will teach you how to create such masterpieces as tiramisu, curried cous cous and smoked salmon frittata – all dishes, of course, that make you sound 50 percent smarter than you’ll ever be. She’s never without a cocktail either, which certainly is intriguing.

The lesson I’ve learned from “Barefoot Contessa” is that in order to impress, you must serve French food you can’t pronounce, repeatedly fill up the cocktails and, of course, be rich.

I can’t forget the non-cooking shows either. “Unwrapped” and “The Secret Life of …” have educated me about the wide world of processed foods. Plus, the host of “Unwrapped” shoots me back to my childhood – it’s Marc Summers, former host of the Nickelodeon show Double Dare. Thanks to Marc, I’ve learned the intricate details behind the making of Marshmallow Peeps (ugh), lollipops, sticky stuff, frozen novelties and more. What has this taught me? Run far, far away from all of the above.

And what about “Roker on the Road?”

Every time I watch good ol’ Al, I can’t help but think about the pure irony in the whole situation. Didn’t he get gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago?

Finally, there’s “Iron Chef,” a true judgment of your culinary passions and desires. As great fun as it is seeing Chef Morimoto throw knives around and scrambling about to fathom up dishes based on crazy ingredients such as mushrooms, bamboo shoots and eel, the food they make causes me to turn my head away. I just can’t watch Aori squid being topped with a quail’s egg. I haven’t taken much from this show except the realization that I don’t like food as much as I thought.

I’ve learned a lot from the Food Network. Such as at my next dinner party, I will serve French food made with loads of garlic and butter, and it will be done in a super speedy manner where I race around my kitchen, knives flying and all. And then when my guests sit down, they’ll be fascinated by the creative way I’ve placed the quail egg on top of the duck and porcini bake.

– Katie Piepel is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Jefferson. She is a Pulse assignment editor for the Daily.