Stand up straight, fix your collar and try to look presentable. Recycle the old beer cans and organize the underbrush of clothing that’s accumulated on your bedroom floor. It’s finally time to become responsible, independent young adults.

Well, at least until Monday.

As Parents’ Weekend approaches, students across Ames share one common goal: Convincing dear old Mom and Dad to adopt the beautiful initials ATM.

Forget midterm and final grades. At the end of these two days, the truly intelligent among us will emerge atop a pile of riches, leaving the masses to be swept up in an avalanche of Top Ramen.

Counting yourself among the fortunate few requires a solid plan of action, forging together skills in both the arts and sciences. In effect, a rare chance to actually use that college education.

You could just beg from the outset or discover an overdrawn bank statement while giving the dorm tour. But this isn’t DMACC.

Settling for a pity check will leave you unsatisfied and ultimately broke by Friday. This is where the cunning facade of self-reliance referenced at the outset of this piece comes into play.

Hands down, the best way to get money out of your parents is to act as if you don’t need it.

Not necessarily reverse psychology, but more a shock-and-rob mentality.

Preparation starts with a budget.

Simply take the money that you came into the year with and write down half that amount. Then subtract a list of wholesome expenses (study guides, salads, running shoes, cleaning supplies, etc…) and stretch them out over a six week span to equal about $50.

Next, prepare a spiel of personal wellness, outlining the nutritional and physical steps you’ve taken to stay healthy, making sure to omit the low calorie benefits of Bud Select.

Lastly, clean your living area until spotless. Even if it takes an hour or two, it will be well worth it in the end.

Once the parents arrive, the curtain goes up and the show begins.

When they ask how life’s been going, reference your busy schedule of study groups, intramurals and time “laughing” with friends.

Throw in a line that you’ve been so busy, you haven’t even had time to messy up your room – hence the Molly Maid effort of earlier.

They may be skeptical, but keep a straight face and move on to phase two.

When they take you out for the traditional arrival lunch, eat light. Go with a salad or the killer, a burger without the bun.

Transition into the nutrition/health mantra and let them know that not only are you on top of your social life, but you have control of your body to boot.

This dash of French attitude will draw a smile from carb-conscience moms and undoubtedly impress even the most lumberjack of fathers, who still worry about the wellbeing of their little baby.

Side note: As the meal winds to a close, reference classroom discussion on the adage, “There’s no such thing as a free lunch.” Keep your wallet in your back pocket and sit back as Dad proves years of economic theory wrong.

Now time for the final scene.

Conversation will turn to money, as your parents look to recapture the one area of control they still have in your life.

Say that although you’re down to a small amount of cash, you will find a way to stretch what you have, even if it means eating less healthy and cutting back on studying to work part-time.

Finally, present exhibit A, the budget, and sit back.

Watch as the finances flows in. They’ll feel as though they are practically giving to charity, furthering the good cause that is their child.

No puppy dog face or pizza money argument could have ever come close.

But wait.

Feeling a little guilty about this elaborate plan to fool your parents?

Then tell them what you’ve done. Tell them about your Machiavellian tactics of maintaining a righteous appearance to mask unfavorable actions.

Neither will care.

Mom and Dad will be too impressed you could even pronounce Machiavellian to notice that now they’re the ones without gas money.

– Chris Sigmund is a sophomore in economics and political science from Johnston. He is the online editor of the Daily.