It’s family weekend. As students’ families file into Ames, I am left wondering, what about Iowa State’s family? Well, Iowa State’s family rests in the Big 12, and for fun’s sake, here is every team’s role.

Father – Texas

The team that dominates in pretty much every sport and brings in truckloads of money for the Big 12. Even Texas softball was televised on ESPN2 last year. I’m sure if Texas had a Scrabble team, it would dominate as well.

Mother – Oklahoma

It’s not hard to see who wears the pants in the family. The Big 12’s mom has dominated dad in football for a while now. Let Dad pay the bills.

All Mom has to do is keep “putting out” decent competition.

Daughter – Oklahoma State

With the Cowgirls’ soccer team receiving votes to be ranked nationally, Oklahoma has become Okie State’s beautiful soccer mom.

First Son – Iowa State

The Cyclones are a rung or two below other family members in sports right now but continue their ascent up the ranks.

Twin Brothers – Texas A&M and Texas Tech

Yes, they are two completely different schools, but they continually battle each other to prove which one is the best secondary team in the state. Even when they grow up, though, they won’t ever beat Daddy’s legacy.

Red-headed stepchild – Baylor

The Bears have gone through so much turmoil in the past few years, Mom and Dad are wondering if they kept their receipt so they can return Baylor.

Grandpa – Nebraska

One of the most prolific schools in the Big 12 and respected throughout the nation. Unfortunately, the first-born son is getting sick of hearing Grandpa rant and rave about his continuous domination when the son comes to visit.

Grandma – Kansas

Again, one of the most respected (basketball) schools in the nation. She doesn’t seem to be aging well, though, as second-cousin three times removed Bucknell sent her to the hospital last year in the NCAA tournament.

Aunt Mary – Missouri

It’s hard for anyone to hate Mizzou, so they fill the spot of dear Aunt Mary. Not really a threat.

Uncle Bob – Kansas State

The bachelor who’s still looking to find himself. It appeared he did a few years ago in the Big 12 championship game, but apparently that was just a mid-life crisis, and the bike shop has since recalled the motorcycle.

Forgotten cousin Mike – Colorado

Well, at least Colorado was the forgotten cousin until he made the 10 p.m. news a few years ago. Since then, everyone has tried to avoid Mike at every family reunion.

That’s it, the one, Big (12) happy family. Sure, we all have our differences, and certainly know how to put the fun in dysfunctional, but in the end, that all makes us normal. Besides, when it all comes down to it, everyone in our family pooled their money together and bailed us out of jail when we went and beat up Iowa, the guy who was cheating on our sister.

– Pat Brown is a junior in finance from Naperville, Ill. He is the assistant sports editor for the Daily.