Editor’s note: The events in this column did not actually take place and are meant as satire.

Last week, the Government of the Student Body voted to end it’s dysfunctional relationship with students. In dumping us, GSB will be better able to statisfy their own ends themselves. The move swiftly followed decades of students ignoring GSB, leaving it unsatisfied and politically frustrated.

The final straw was a recently conducted study showing that in meetings between GSB senators, positive legislation is achieved only 12 percent of the time.

“Clearly, something has to be done,” noted Sharon Labite, GSB senator and senior in leisure studies. “As I sit here leafing through my resume, I wonder: How can GSB best serve me?”

Tension nearly came to a head when the leader of an opposition faction led a campaign to withdraw legislation, but was unable to follow through in a spirit of bipartisanship. “What does this say about GSB?” shouted an angry Dan Webstone, senior in genetics. “What will students think of us?” The senate floor was ripe with excitement, but senators couldn’t work it out and the night’s energy lamely subsided. At that point, a motion to vote was called, and passed, before premature dispersal.

“Scandalous the way it is, how these senators blow hundreds of thousands of student dollars every year just to pleasure themselves,” complained one ISU student. Sensing an urgent need for change, GSB held an emergency meeting in Tier 7 of the library on Friday.

A bill titled “We Must Be Quick” was extended to the Senate, receiving instant support. “I recognize my fellow senator and share her deep commitment to her resume,” one advanced. “I second the motion,” said another. More students joined in support, one after the other, until the senate was unanimously behind the legislation.

Since then, GSB has been carrying itself in a totally different manner. There’s a spring in its step, as if decades of dissatisfaction have been washed away. This suggests that future GSB legislation will follow in the footsteps of Friday’s meeting.

Asked if the body would ever return to its former state, one senator responded, “No way, never. I couldn’t go back to the way it was, all those clumsy fumblings between myself and my constituents – at least when they happened to show interest.” His face lighting up, the senator continued, “It’s much better now that I’m applying student dollars directly to my own personal advancement. Who cares if it costs loads, and besides, have you seen how long my resume is getting?”

The relative importance of that feature is currently in dispute, and some senators have vowed to form an investigative committee. “It’s not the size of the resume that counts, but the ravel of the gavel,” noted a senator in the College of Design. The committee charged with settling the matter will investigate, seeing the issue to a satisfying conclusion. Once the results are found, another committee will form to investigate the findings – just for good measure.

All senators, however, agree on the importance of the resume, and their love for constantly updating them through sub-committees and legislation. “Ask not what you can do for your constituents, but what we can do for ourselves,” reads the new banner hanging above the floor of the GSB Senate.

“Yeah, I’ve learned a lot of things in my months serving on Senate,” senior senator Katherine Taylor says, contented smile and eyes fixed off in the distance. “You want to know the secret?” she asks, grinning. “You can’t please everyone, so you might as well please yourself.”

– Nicolai Brown is a senior in linguistics from Okoboji.