It’s hard to imagine a time when artists like Johnny Cash, Frank Sinatra and The Beatles were considered pop artists. Take a look at the latest Billboard chart or watch an awards show and it becomes even harder. In today’s mainstream music landscape, it isn’t about who is the most gifted songwriter or musician, it’s about who is willing to show the most skin or come up with a clever catch phrase.

Pop music, once rightfully the place of the most gifted artists, has been usurped by whoever happens to be the best looking.

As an arts and entertainment writer and critic, it’s kind of my job to pay attention to trends in pop culture. After years of research, I’ve developed a plan to help all you aspiring musicians out there hit the top of the pop charts. So read on, and I’ll make you a star.

These days, it takes a hell of a lot more than pure talent to get anywhere in the music industry major leagues. You’ve gotta be hot. I’m talking drop-dead gorgeous here, people. Can you honestly remember the last time you saw an unattractive person on MTV? Sure, you might be able to write the songs that make the whole world sing, but if your nose is crooked or your agent isn’t able to bounce a quarter off your butt, you’re probably not going to get anywhere without going under the knife for a little nip and tuck.

Now that you’ve had some work done and gotten yourself a personal trainer, the next thing you’re going to want to do is burn those notebooks full of painstakingly handwritten lyrics you’ve been working on for the past eight years. A “professional” team of songwriters will take care of everything for you. Nobody wants to hear about your emotional hardships or your opinions on the ills of society. They want to see you “shake it like a salt shaker.” Go ahead and take your guitar back to the pawnshop – you definitely won’t be needing it anymore. In fact, once you get to the studio, don’t even think about looking at an instrument, let alone picking one up and playing it. Just stand back, start memorizing the lyrics your songwriting team gave you, and let your producer worry about the music. They’ll call for you when they need some vocals.

Once you’ve got a product to sell, you’re ready for the big music video. This is where those $1,000 an hour dance lessons the label put you through pay off. Don’t worry, everything will be scripted and all you’ll have to do is lip-synch, just like you did on that warm-up tour opening for Britney Spears. The only hard part is finding someone who’s as good-looking as you are to roll around on the beach with you for a “love scene.” Remember – sex sells and you’re going to want your video to be as “edgy” as possible.

Well, you’ve made it kid. The record’s selling, Clear Channel loves the single, and your video is the only one they actually show more than five seconds of on TRL. You’re probably sick of all those photographers following you everywhere, but don’t worry about it too much, it goes with the territory. We should probably start talking about your next record and tour. There won’t be as big a buzz this time around, so you’re probably going to want to create some sort of scandal. Showing up somewhere completely trashed out of your mind and making a complete fool of yourself or sleeping with someone more famous than you are always good ways to generate heat before a release date. In the meantime, just relax by the pool and let the agents, lawyers, accountants and label executives worry about the rest. Remember – don’t call them, they’ll call you.

-Joshua Haun is a junior in journalism and mass communication from Des Moines. He is an assistant Pulse editor.