In theory, developing a game based on Marvel characters should be a snap. The story is there; the characters are there; hell, all a game company has to do is apply competent gameplay. Should be simple, right?

When Electronic Arts first announced it would be developing a fighting game starring Marvel and EA characters, people wondered just how that would work. The fact is, EA is most famous for its sports games. Would the matchups be Wolverine vs. John Madden? Spider-Man vs. Tiger Woods?

The result of this partnership is “Marvel Nemesis: Rise of the Imperfects.” Unfortunately, players are denied Madden, but given new, cool, extreme characters of their own – the “Imperfects.”

Upon first glance, “Marvel Nemesis” seems like a slick, polished product. The presentation and menus are top notch, and the art is gorgeous.

Then the actual game begins. There are so many things wrong here, it’s hard to know where to begin. Let’s start with the actual gameplay, which apparently got machine-gunned during development. It’s riddled with holes.

For being dubbed a fighting game, “Marvel Nemesis” has the most shallow, boring, unadulterated POS concept of “fighting.” All the fighting consists of is mashing the lone attack button. That’s it. No parries, counters, side-steps, taunts – absolutely nothing but “punch, punch, punch … punch.”

What else is bad? There are about 10 environments – in the whole game. Each environment is as big as a peanut. To get an idea of how small the environment is, each mission lasts about five minutes. Ouch.

The control ranges from stiff to unplayable. Usually, it’s bearable, but certain enemies in the game, namely the hostile UFOs, are literally impossible to hit because of the rough controls. Even worse is that said UFOs usually hunt in packs, so this results in is the player waltzing with the controls, the UFOs shooting lasers that look like snot and the game character getting plowed.

Well, maybe the story would redeem the game. After all, this is Marvel Comics, the “House of Ideas.” The “story,” if it can be called that, is god-awful. There’s a metrosexual alien tyrant with extremely shiny skin who goes around kidnapping people and enhancing them. These “Imperfects” go around spouting ear-bleeding one-liners and owning Marvel heroes. To give an idea of how bad the story is, the Thing (from “Fantastic Four”) gets his ass handed to him by a cybernetic Russian ballerina. Yes, the ever-loving, clobberin’ time Thing gets punked by a cyber sugar plum fairy.

The way the story progresses is snapped as well. Each character will further the plot for one scene, then there’s zero story progression. Also ridiculous is how each character keeps revisiting the same places even when that said place gets blown off the face of the Earth.

This POS is the saddest excuse for a fighting game ever. “Kung-Fu” on the NES plays better than this pile. If you’re looking for a fighting game, go get Tekken 5. If you’re looking for a good story, go buy some graphic novels at the comic store. Do not buy, or rent, this trash.

“Marvel Nemisis: Rise of the Imperfects”

Rating: 1 / 5