Well, once again the powers that be have moved my weekly Friday picks column to a day that’s not Friday.

I point this out to you because, once again, I have no introduction for this column.

So, to answer your questions, yes, I am a fraud. And yes, this column is awful.

Anyway, thanks to the Big Ten’s big fart, classic Missouri underachieving and Marshall’s ineptitude, last week’s picks looked like Mark Mangino in a Speedo, which isn’t good. In fact, some would have you believe that’s bad. We’ve only got nine games this weekend, so on with the picks.

Brett was 7-4 last weekend, moving his record to 16-6 on the year.

SMU (1-1) AT TEXAS A&M (0-1)

Last week: SMU 21-10 win over TCU; Texas A&M did not play

SMU came up with its biggest win since getting the NCAA death penalty and shutting down for a year, with a win over then-No. 22 TCU. The Mustangs may be able to pull a few more upsets, and maybe start to build a foundation to get the program back to, at least, respectability.

In the meantime, the Aggies have had a week off to let the loss to perennial underachiever Clemson sink in. A&M will come out angry and win this one comfortably.

THE PICK: TEXAS A&M

TROY (1-1) AT MISSOURI (1-1)

Last week: Troy 27-7 loss to UAB; Missouri 45-35 loss to New Mexico

I said it last week and I’ll say it again: Do not ever underestimate Gary Pinkel’s ability to be out-coached. Ever.

Pinkel is fully capable of coaching his team out of a win in this game so you may want to pick Troy in the upset. This raises an interesting question: Can Missouri ever be upset? I say no.

With Gary Pinkel on the sidelines, Missouri is a threat to lose every game its in.

That said, I don’t know that Troy can score enough – even on the lackluster Tiger defense – to win this game. But yet, as of press time Pinkel hasn’t been fired.

THE PICK: TROY

BAYLOR (2-0) AT ARMY (0-1)

Last week: Baylor 48-14 win over Samford; Army 44-7 loss at No. 17 Boston College

At their weekly press conference, Baylor coaches and players refused to talk about possible land mine games that could serve to derail the Teddy Bears from their current fast track to the Rose Bowl.

That’s probably because they’re so hapless they could lose at literally any moment.

Quick, somebody turn on SportsCenter, Baylor may have just lost a game without actually playing!

That’s how cute and harmless they are.

Baylor will be 3-0 after rolling in the second half against Army.

THE PICK: BAYLOR

PITTSBURGH (0-2) AT NEBRASKA (2-0)

Last week: Pittsburgh 16-10 overtime loss to Ohio; Nebraska 31-3 win over Wake Forest

Please, will someone get some team to Lincoln that can beat the Huskers. Please? Pitt, you lost to Ohio. They’re coached by the guy who was run out of Lincoln because he supposedly couldn’t coach. It wasn’t even Ohio State. Just plain old Ohio. Nebraska wins again, but looks bad, just like they did against Maine and Wake Forest. Oh well, I’m going to go watch my tape of the Texas Tech game. You know, the one where the Red Raiders scored 70 against the Cornhuskers?

THE PICK: NEBRASKA

LOUISIANA TECH (0-1) AT KANSAS (2-0)

Last week: Louisiana Tech 41-3 loss at No. 6 Florida; Kansas 36-8 win over Appalachian State

Well, I’ve already included a joke about Mark Mangino being of the rotund variety, so it’s just more fake analysis on this one. Kansas did a good job padding its nonconference schedule and it comes up with victory number three. Tickets are going quickly for the showdown in Houston for the Big 12 title. 11-0 Kansas vs. 11-0 Baylor. I’ve got mine, how about you?

THE PICK: KANSAS

ARKANSAS STATE (1-1) AT OKLAHOMA STATE (2-0)

Last week: Arkansas State 56-7 win over Tennessee-Martin; Oklahoma State 23-3 win over Florida Atlantic

Yes, apparently there is a team called Tennessee-Martin. And no, this game isn’t fair. If a Gary Pinkel-coached Missouri team can pass the Indians, Oklahoma State should have no trouble doing the same.

THE PICK: OKLAHOMA STATE

LAUGHER OF THE WEEK NO. 1: SAM HOUSTON STATE (1-1) AT No. 19 TEXAS TECH (1-0)

Last week: Sam Houston State 31-10 win at Houston; Texas Tech 56-3 win over Florida International I have nothing to say about this game, so I’ll let you decide who wins this game just by looking Sam Houston State’s nickname. The Bearkats. Yes, B-E-A-R-K-A-T-S. On a side note, ISU president Gregory Geoffroy will change the Cyclones nickname to Psychlones … psych!

THE PICK: TEXAS TECH

LAUGHER OF THE WEEK NO. 2: RICE (0-1) AT No. 2 TEXAS (2-0)

Last week: Rice 63-21 loss at UCLA; Texas 25-22 win at No. 9 Ohio State

OK. Who taught Mack Brown how to coach? Honestly, I had some good jokes lined up about him. Now Gary Pinkel is left as my only whipping boy. The Vince Young highlight reel gets a little longer this week as the ‘Horns roll.

THE PICK: TEXAS

GAME OF THE WEEK: No. 21 OKLAHOMA (1-1) AT UCLA (2-0)

Last week: Oklahoma 31-15 win over Tulsa; UCLA 63-21 win over Rice

There’s no way Oklahoma should be ranked after losing at home to TCU and squeaking by Tulsa last week. The Bruins will take care of that problem Saturday when they thump the Sooners at the Rose Bowl. UCLA’s offense was rolling last week, and Oklahoma still has quarterback problems that are killing its offense. Look for the Bruins to get out to a lead and then run and hide from the Sooners.

THE PICK: UCLA

And now for everyone’s favorite part of the column: the “Awkward Press Conference Moment” anecdote of the week.

Last week in this very space, I predicted that Iowa would beat Iowa State. Well, that didn’t exactly pan out for me and during the postgame press conference, ISU safety and fellow Fort Dodge native Nik Moser called me out on it.

So there I stand, singled out as a possible Hawkeye fan surrounded by Cyclone defensive backs and linebackers, next to a guy that I went to high school with, who could literally kill me in 3.6 seconds while I try to laugh it off, looking like a doofus and slowly moving toward the exit.

The moral of the story here is if you’re going to pick in favor of the rival of a football team that you spend time with in enclosed auditoriums and out of the sight of law enforcement, make sure they lose. Or, just make sure you’re not a 6-foot-1-inch, 190-pound 19-year-old that runs a 4.4 40-yard dash. That’s 4.4 minutes, not seconds.