Well, apparently you either find my sarcastic tone, witty comments and put-downs funny, or you really hate yourself because it looks like you’re reading my weekly picks column for the third time in 12 days. Whatever the case may be, let’s get down to business.

Yes, Colorado did beat Colorado State by three last week on a field goal with four seconds to play. Yes, this is a direct quote from my column last week:

“The Rams will give Colorado fits, but the Buffs escape with a three-point win.”

Yes, I am a genius. Now for the picks.

Last week: Brett went 9-2 in his picks.

KANSAS STATE (1-0) AT MARSHALL (1-0)

Last week: Kansas State 35-21 win over Florida International, Marshall 36-24 win over William & Mary.

Last week I knocked the Big 12 schedule as being weak. Well, I should’ve knocked the Big 12 and its schedule as being weak because nothing impressed. Here’s two teams that should’ve rolled last week but didn’t. Marshall was trailing William and Mary late in the third. K-State needed four quarters to dispatch Florida International. Marshall is home this week so they win by default.

The Pick: Marshall

TULSA (0-1) AT OKLAHOMA (0-1)

Last week: Tulsa 41-10 loss to Minnesota, Oklahoma 17-10 loss to TCU.

Let me be person No. 5,630,231 to say…HAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA! Oklahoma lost last week to TCU. OK, that’s out of my system. My thanks go out to Bob Stoops and company for justifying my genius placing of them in the pretender category last week. Tulsa can’t stop the run, and Oklahoma, well, they won’t lose twice in a row. Probably.

The Pick: Oklahoma

NEW MEXICO (0-1) AT MISSOURI (1-0)

Last week: New Mexico 24-22 win over UNLV, Missouri 44-17 win over Arkansas State.

New Mexico struggled to put UNLV away, and Missouri’s Brad Smith looked to be back to sophomore form — as in good, not bad like last year.

But if there’s anything Gary Pinkel has proved to us, is he can lose to worse teams than this. Don’t insult his ability to be outcoached.

The Pick: Missouri

WAKE FOREST (0-1) AT NEBRASKA (1-0)

Last week: Wake Forest 24-20 loss to Vanderbilt, Nebraska 25-7 win over Maine.

Well, I was going to rail on Nebraska because I hate them and think they stink, but then Wake Forest goes and loses to Vanderbilt. That’s right Demon Deacons, by somehow losing to a Vanderbilt team that can’t even buckle their own chinstraps you’re taking away precious space where I could make fun of Nebraska for not going to a bowl last year. Or for letting Texas Tech score 70 points on them last year. Way to go Wake, you’ve spoiled my fun.

The Pick: Nebraska

FLORIDA INTERNATIONAL (0-1) AT TEXAS TECH (0-0)

Last week: Florida International 35-21 loss at Kansas State, Texas Tech did not play.

Why play this? Tech will pass for a bazillion yards and score a bazillion points. I don’t encourage gambling, but take the over in this one, way over. By the way, isn’t Florida only in one nation? Like … the United States?

The Pick: Texas Tech

APPALACHIAN STATE (1-0) AT KANSAS (1-0)

Last week: Appalachian State 24-16 win at Eastern Kentucky, Kansas 30-19 win over Florida Atlantic.

Appalachian State handled Eastern Kentucky easily, and Kansas will handle Appalachian State just as easily — nearly as easily as Mark Mangino handles his third Big Mac of the day. (You can’t actually expect me to write valuable insight on this extravaganza of crappy football do you?)

The Pick: Kansas

NEW MEXICO STATE (0-1) AT COLORADO (1-0)

Last week: New Mexico State 34-17 loss to UTEP, Colorado 31-28 win over Colorado State.

New Mexico State has no shame in losing to UTEP and will provide a similar test to Colorado State, but Colorado will win slightly more comfortably. Unless, of course, they get caught looking ahead to Miami.

The Pick: Colorado

LAUGHER OF THE WEEK:

SAMFORD (1-0) AT BAYLOR (1-0)

Last week: Samford 60-7 win over Edmond Waters, Baylor 28-23 win at SMU.

This is hilarious. Battle of the unbeaten in Waco. In an effort to save space for more important things (Iowa-ISU, Ohio St.-Texas) just take me at my word. Baylor’s 2-0 baby!

The Pick: Baylor

UPSET WATCH: OKLAHOMA STATE (1-0) AT FLORIDA ATLANTIC (0-1)

Last Week: Oklahoma State 15-10 win over Montana State, Florida Atlantic 30-19 loss at Kansas.

Oklahoma State struggled to a 15-10 home victory over I-AA Montana State last week and was lost in new coach Mike Gundy’s spread offense.

Sixty-seven penalty yards also held back the Cowboys. Sound familiar anyone? Anyway, I don’t know why Oklahoma State is going down to Florida Atlantic, but don’t be too surprised of an upset in the heat and humidity.

The Pick: Oklahoma

NEARLY GAME OF THE WEEK BUT IOWA AND IOWA STATE ARE PLAYING: TEXAS (1-0) AT OHIO STATE (1-0)

Last Week: Texas 60-3 win over Louisiana-Lafayette, Ohio State 34-14 win over Miami (Ohio).

You can make a good case for both of these teams to win the best nonrivalry, nonconference matchup in years. Will Vince Young be able throw when Ohio State takes away the run? Can Ohio State muster enough offense to keep up with Texas? Could Mack Brown even coach a peewee team to a championship? And does anybody know when the new Escalades are getting in? Ted Ginn, Jr. is getting antsy. Seriously though, the Ohio State linebackers won’t stop, but will contain, Young, and makes him show he can throw the ball under the lights in one of the most hostile environments in college football. Yes, Ohio State probably can’t score enough to win anyway, but then again they won a national title with Craig “I set the quarterback position back 30 years” Krenzel so who knows.

Plus, Mack Brown can’t seem to win the big game — at least in the regular season.

The Pick: Ohio State

GAME OF THE WEEK: IOWA (1-0) AT IOWA STATE (1-0)

Last week: Iowa 56-0 win over Ball State, Iowa State 32-21 win over Illinois State.

It’s never a good sign when your coach “wanted to vomit” at halftime against a I-AA opponent. It’s also bad if the score is ever 8-2 and you’re not playing baseball. Don’t worry though, Dan McCarney will have the Cyclones fired up and ready to go this week for the hated rival Hawkeyes from Iowa City. Iowa had eight, count ‘em, eight healthy running backs carry the ball last Saturday, so that means they’re guaranteed at least eight decent carries.

The real question will be can the ISU offensive line look a little more like, well, like they exist against Iowa without getting flagged for holding every play. Iowa will run a rotation of about seven guys on the defensive line, so they should be relatively fresh throughout the game. Ditto for the ISU secondary. The Hawkeyes have this guy named Drew Tate, I don’t know if you heard of him during the offseason, but he’s supposed to be OK. Anyway, he has a full corps of guys to throw to just as good and much better than Illinois State’s receiver of the night, Lauren Robinson. Iowa State raised more questions last week than they answered, so I think the Cyclones hang tough, but Iowa pulls away in the fourth with a 10-point victory.

The Pick: Iowa

And now it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the column, The “Twilight Zone — There Should be Creepy Twilight Zone Music Playing Now— Thought of the Week.”

We’ve all seen the comedic masterpiece that some people call the movie “Dodgeball.”

We all laughed at its hilarity. If you haven’t or didn’t, I don’t like you and I demand you stop reading my column.

Anyway, the Dodgeball tournament in the movie is telecast on “ESPN 8: The Ocho.”

But, did you realize with last spring’s launching of ESPNU, we are now just three more ESPN networks away from the realization of that wondrous dream of eight ESPN networks.

See you next week.