Broccoli

By far the worst-tasting deep-fried food. Sorry kids, but broccoli doesn’t even taste good even when you soak it in fat. Actually, it’s downright horrible. When we first started frying broccoli, we weren’t sure what to expect since it was the first item we attempted. What resulted was a veggie that resembled a bone-dry corpse and tasted even worse. One opinion was the broccoli tasted like “dirt.”

Comments from our judges panel:

– “The broccoli is officially disgusting.”
– “You can’t even deep fry it to make it taste good.”

Dissenting opinion:

– “It does taste like dirt but it’s not that bad.”

Rating: 1

Banana

The next item on our list is the banana. Definitely sweeter and more appealing than raw broccoli, the banana seemed to have more potential. It only took a minute for a clear, brown-spotted layer to form around the outside of the fruit, which seemed unappealing, but we tried it anyway.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “It smells like vomit. (Proceeds to take a bite) It’s not that bad.”

– “I’ll give it a four but I’d rather have a regular banana.”

– “It’s hot.” Oh … really?

Rating: 5

Oreos

Now this food we were eager to fry. Expectations were high. An Oreo is entirely fat and shortening anyway, so why wouldn’t it taste good deep fried? We decided to find out. What we ended up with was a bowl full of American-produced funk.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “It’s burnt. You really need to watch your timing to deep fry the perfect Oreo.”

– “I don’t think it’s burnt.”
(Note: No other comments were made — all the judges were too busy eating the Oreos.)

Rating: 6

Tuna

We figured people seem to like fried chicken, so we turned our stomachs to the Chicken of the Sea, tuna. We added an entire can of the shredded fish to our oil and watched it sizzle. The interesting thing about the tuna was that it actually offended our nostrils more than our taste buds. Mere seconds after the frying began it emitted an odor so foul it almost ended the entire experiment.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “(Disgusted by smell) Get it out of there now!”

– “I might throw up just watching it.”

– “Wait a minute, this isn’t that bad. It has a very strong aftertaste, however.”

Rating: 5

Ravioli

The Italians were on to something when they began boiling ravioli in water, so we thought we’d give it a truly American twist. Much like in water, the ravioli dropped to the bottom of the oil and sizzled. The challenge was trying to estimate how long was too long. After a few minutes, some of our braver judges gave it a shot.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “Oh it’s good! It’s so good. It’s gooey!”

– “God, that’s so much better than it looks. It’s pretty good.”

Rating: 9

Pineapple

After discussing it at greater lengths than were probably necessary, we decided a fried pineapple isn’t that uncommon. But we were in the zone, so we tossed ’em in. Floating on top of the oil, we watched them turn from a bright yellow to the golden color we found makes for the best fried food. Eating these delicious, ruined fruit rings was only made better by the continual, hysterical obscenities coming from our lead chef who couldn’t stop scalding himself.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “It’s very rubbery”

– “It soaks up too much oil.”

– “It’s the only thing I’m having a second bite of.”

Rating: 5

Spam

As one of our judges pointed out, the tin of this mystery meat offers five easy ways to prepare its contents without mention of a deep fryer. With our stomachs nearing a grease overload, we soldiered on and threw a scoop in. To make things worse, a portion of it hit the ground on its way out of the fryer, but it was deemed suitable to eat by the judges after being put back in the oil for another minute or so.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “It’s like a neutral meat with salt”

– “It’s basically everything that wasn’t good enough to be in a hot dog.”

– “It’s like fried, weird, slippery ham.”

Rating: 7

Lucky Charms

The suggested serving for these marshmallow sugar bombs says to add milk, so we added oil. We originally expected the marshmallows to disintegrate but they actually helped to bond the charms together and form it into a justified treat that shocked our panel and became an instant classic, worthy of a stand at the fair.

Comments from our judges panel:

– “That’s better than regular Lucky Charms. I give it a 10!”

– “When the rest of the world thought we couldn’t deep fry any more, we’re deep frying our cereal.”

Rating: 10