Iowa State, this past year writing for the Daily has been an absolute pleasure. This year, even though I had to take organic chemistry, has been one of the finest I can ever remember. It is in the spirit of such a great year that I offer the following in the hopes you’ll save it and smile many years from now about the things that REALLY MATTERED.

So here we go …

August

Aug. 20 — Freshmen all over campus celebrate their first collegiate hookups by passing out and pissing the bed. Coeds all over campus are not impressed.

Aug. 27 — To combat the chilling lack of Dutch influence on Iowa State’s campus, Crocs sandals start to appear. People make fun of them mercilessly and then buy them a week later.

September

Sept. 1 — During the Republican National Convention, Arnold Schwarzenegger calls out the Democrats with the following statement: “To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don’t be economic girlie men!” Michael Moore later responds with “Pick nose, pick butt, pick Kerry.” The nation revels in a golden age of political maturity.

October

Oct. 24 and 29 — Michael Moore and Ann Coulter come to Iowa State, attempting to change minds and social patterns. They succeed in that the campus is probably polarized further.

Oct. 25 — The crow population on campus is decimated by a Government of the Student Body-sponsored crow hunt off campus that eliminates 13 whole crows. People all over Ames agree the idea was tremendously successful, unless they had shot 14 crows.

Oct. 27 — After 86 years of frustration, the Boston Red Sox finally win a World Series. Across the country, people agree: “Whatever. As long as it isn’t the Yankees.”

November

Nov. 3 — The humor industry breathes a sigh of relief as George W. Bush is re-elected president.

Nov. 6 — On a gloriously sunny day, ISU football serves Nebraska a plate of humiliation.

Nov. 9 — In a clear conspiracy to ruin GPAs all over the country, Bungie Studios releases “Halo 2.” Thousands fail out of college.

December

Dec. 10 — In national news, mall security guards are given training to spot terrorists. America sleeps easier knowing that national security is now also in the hands of mall security. The city of Ames recognizes a lower terrorist attack risk and pushes forward with proposed mall plans.

Dec. 16 — Freshmen all over campus finish with their first Finals Week and celebrate by passing out and pissing the bed.

Dec. 21 — “Napoleon Dynamite” is released on DVD. Tensions at Iowa State run high as the socially inept still claim “It’s not that funny.”

January

Jan. 4 — The Orange Bowl goes down as one of the most nail-biting games in recent memory, as the score stays deadlocked at 0-0 for nearly 15 seconds. Thankfully, most people turn off the game before Ashlee Simpson’s halftime performance.

Jan. 10 — Iowa State is treated to its very own comic strip as “The Amazing Misadventures of Mickey and Joe” debuts in the Iowa State Daily. Somewhere, Bill Watterson smiles contentedly as the future of cartooning takes a turn for the better.

Jan. 20 — Reign triumphantly opens. Students everywhere continue to refer to it as “the bar where The Dean’s List … err … Big Shots used to be.”

February

Feb. 2 — Women all over campus claim to love football in an effort to check out Tom Brady in tight pants. Men are too engrossed in the “Are the Patriots good?” debate to notice.

Feb. 21 — Budweiser introduces Budweiser Select, the newest low-carb light beer. The Tony Little Gazelle comes in a Special Edition Budweiser Select model and somewhere, fitness celebrity John Basedow gives a nod of approval. Somehow, no one loses weight by drinking beer.

March

March 11 — Angela Groh and Chris Deal defeat Henry Alliger and Sarah Walter to be GSB president and Vice President. With 18 write-in votes, Jon Crosbie finishes third and passes out during his concession speech.

March 17 — On St. Patrick’s Day, Mark McGwire delivers a believable and convincing testimony by repeating of the phrase “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Even drunk people don’t believe him.

April

April 9 — Despite the cancelation of the annual Veishea celebration, students still have too much to drink and people still get stabbed. No cars are flipped over, however, and the decision is deemed successful.

April 20 — During his biannual visit to Iowa State, Tom Short attempts to use the power of Christ to convert thousands of students. He succeeds only in getting them to skip class.

May

May 5 — Freshmen all over campus celebrate their first completed year of academia by passing out and pissing the bed. Coeds have long since abandoned them.

I wish I had more space, Iowa State. I’ll miss you …