Five months. 149 days. Pull out the calendar and circle the date Sept. 10, 2005.

Not only is this date Ben Wallace’s 31st birthday (I plan on buying him Ron Artest’s CD), it just happens to be the Cyclones’ annual clash with the Iowa Hawkeyes. Yes, I realize the spring game has yet to be played and most marriages last fewer than five months nowadays, but in my opinion, it is never too early to start preparing.

How do you prepare for a game five months away? Oh, believe me it isn’t easy, but with a little hard work and dedication you can be playing mind games with Hawkeye fans by the end of August. This year’s contest is without a doubt the most anticipated in the 53-game history of the series. Both teams face the very real possibility of being ranked, Iowa even in the top five, when Sept. 10 rolls around. Thus, it is vital Cyclone fans are at the top of their smack-talking game.

First premise: No Cyclone fan can root for Iowa at any point in the season. This is brought out by the idea of that person we all know that says, “I root for both teams when they aren’t playing against each other.”

Purely unacceptable behavior. Cheering for Iowa is like cheering for your significant other to cheat on you. This is not a friendly rivalry.

Did the United States cheer for the Soviets? Did Tupac cheer for Biggie? Does Lindsay Lohan cheer for Hilary Duff? I may have gone too far, but the point is clear.

All summer we must endure the fabled story of the Tate-Holloway connection that won the Capital One Bowl for Iowa in the closing seconds over LSU. To this we respond, “Two words: Blown Coverage.”

I also suggest letting Hawkeye fans know about their lack of productivity at running back. Any statement deriding their under-75-yard-per-game ground attack and four knee injuries last season is appropriate. In fact, this will be my AOL away message beginning in May: “Iowa Running Backs blow … out ACLs.” If somebody doesn’t make a T-shirt out of this I will be disappointed. Yes, this may be cruel, but the stakes are higher than ever.

Any good smack-talker is, at a moment’s notice, ready to go into counter-attack mode. Be prepared to counter any mention of Iowa State’s colorful arrest record during the past year. Don’t kid yourself; Jason Berryman will still be at the top of the list. For instance, an Iowa fan might say, “Four dollars and a cell phone?”

You reply, “Pierre Pierce.”

It’s actually quite simple. Mr. Pierce, despite the fact he was a member of the Iowa basketball team, trumps any and all attempts at playing the arrest card.

Most importantly, however, is to reiterate the recent success Iowa State has had against the Hawks. Comments such as, “If this were a seven-game series, ISU wins 5-2” or “Brad Banks looked really good for the Ottawa Renegades last night, I can’t believe he never beat the Cyclones” fit perfectly. Follow these suggestions and we will once again take the Cy-Hawk Smack-Talk trophy.

If all else fails, “We have a better engineering program” is always a winner.