You’ve seen them out there. They began their assault on the American male innocently enough. They popped up in the usual places like Abercrombie & Fitch, and the more eccentric men among us began wearing them. We laughed casually at the first few to pop up, dismissing them easily as the exception and certainly never the rule. But slowly, their influence has started to spread like a plague. More and more men are succumbing to their influence, drawn in by their chic siren’s song. If we’re not careful, they could spell the doom of the entire male sex.

I’m talking about pink shirts made for men.

Now, before you get all defensive and try to cover your “fireball fuchsia” collared shirt with the Daily, hear me out. I’m merely trying to do you well-intentioned guys a favor by pointing out the false motives that have driven you to such fashion extremes. You see, guys who wear pink shirts are actually quite perceptive fellows. They realize there is natural tension between men and women, so trying to play down the “jerk” stereotype men are often saddled with, they have decided to clothe themselves in the most passive and innocent color possible to send a signal to ladies. They’re trying to say, “Hey, I stand out. I’m comfortable wearing pink, and I’m a nice guy who’ll giggle at your jokes.”

The problem is that girls don’t want nice guys. They’ve never wanted nice guys. Girls want men. They want masculine, confident, funny guys. Lots of guys get confused on this point because they’ve been told all their life that women hate men because men are “assholes” and so they try to be nice as possible. It’s true that women don’t want jerks, but they certainly don’t want sissies, either.

Right about now, some pink-clad guy is berating my good name, saying things like, “Girls like it” or “I have no trouble getting girls.” And if you have no trouble meeting girls, all the more power to you. But I’ve got a news flash for you; rarely does attraction have anything to do with what you’re wearing, OK? It’s all about attitude and confidence. If you’re lucky with the ladies, it is because you’ve got other traits going for you and that’s all. And as far as, “Girls like it” being the excuse to dress yourself up like a dessert candy, I say, well, who cares? In a few months, the fashions will change. All it does is demonstrate how desperate you are to be liked and accepted, how insecure you are. You’ll be left looking at pictures of yourself 10 years from now wondering why somebody didn’t smack you with a stick to knock some sense into your gelled “messy-yet -controlled” head.

I’ll admit that I’m not perfect. I understand the need to look “hip;” I dress myself the way I do for a reason, too. I’m not immune to fashion. But fellas, c’mon. First, they throw on the pink shirt that can be seen from space. Then they’ll tuck in just the very front of the pink shirt so the buckle is artfully exposed. Next, they pop the collar. Then they throw on “unique” choker white-shell necklaces you can buy by the pound at the mall. And if they’re really going out there, they might top it all off with a white visor, flipped backwards and upside down. That final placement of the visor should come with an Ashlee Simpson CD and a signed photo of Ryan Seacrest.

If the epidemic gets any worse, I have only one solution to the plague on campus — mandatory Carhartt.