Well, lets get right to it. Iowa State, look at your calendars and gasp loudly. Put the pizza guy on speed dial and get ready, because we’ve got some studying to do. Finals Week is coming up and you know what that means, don’t you?

It means keggers! Lots and lots of flowing, glorious kegs! I love keg parties and I think the Ames community should as well. Keg parties give the hosts a chance to show their college-of-business-borne, entrepreneurial savvy (I’m not sayin’ how — bootlegging is still a crime) and also gives the student body a chance to rally around a good cause (“Death before Registration!”).

So why are we studying? What in the world would cause this advocate of irresponsibility to suggest such an improbable response to a party? Iowa State, I’ll tell you why: At the last few keggers I’ve gone to, I’ve noticed some blatant violations of basic keg-line etiquette, and it’s just unacceptable. No longer will this sort of thing go unwritten, and all you underage freshmen out there, learn this, live this and love this, for these are the guidelines that shall carry you through college.

Rule No. 1 — The House Cup Shall Always Have Priority. This is very rarely violated, but warrants notation anyway because it remains the one rule that holds no exceptions. Always take care of those who take care of you.

Rule No. 2 — A Person Shall Not Fill Up More Than Two Extra People. It doesn’t matter how hot she is, if you’ve already committed to filling up two friends, you must shrug and look as sorry as possible. If this girl is rude to you after you’ve denied her request, walks away and does not talk to you, you can thank me when you see me. Rule No. 2 has just performed an invaluable screening service. Use the stable “Triangle Finger” carrying technique to get the beer back to your pals and never, ever, forego a buddy’s cup for the great looking girl (or guy, for that matter).

Rule No. 3 — Unless It’s the Host, No Person Shall Cut In Line. I’m speaking to the guys here, because it’s our gender that is normally beguiled by this sort of thing. Guess what? As romantic as letting her cut to the keg is, she’s not going to sleep with you. She has standards and selling out to tube top does not fall into those standards. Have some dignity, for crying out loud.

Rule No. 4 — Only The Hosts Shall Use Or Delegate Use Of Pitchers. Hosts, it is your responsibility to delegate the power of the pitcher to only those worthy. Will they use this for the distribution of beer to those in need, thus alleviating the keg-line pressure, or greedily use it as their own cup? And the Tippy Cup pitcher is off limits to normal party-goers. Only those who have entered the team test of skill may tap into that bounty.

Rule No. 5 — Keg Line Conversation Shall Be Entertaining. Do not engage in serious conversation at a keg line. If you are attempting to be entertaining and nobody is laughing, you are That Guy. Stop misquoting “Snatch” and save face by pretending to look for somebody. Religion, politics, relationships and other crap like that shall be discussed outside on a porch and overheard only by those peeing in the bushes. By the way, guys, in order to eliminate bathroom lines, shall make every effort to pee outside, hidden from view of the street. DO NOT screw this last part up because then the party will get busted and it’s your fault.

Even though I should have been given an entire page for this column, I hope these simple rules have helped. Just remember that $4 bought all the music you could listen to, not the cup, and we should be golden.

All right. Good Talk. I’ll see you out there.