Iowa State, I have never been so excited. Ever. I am ready to sing from the top of the Campanile with joy in my voice and love in my heart. I am prepared to take out another student loan to throw a party because I am so excited. I am about to pee in my pants — that’s how excited I am.

Sit down, because I’m going to tell you why: “XXX: State of the Union” comes out April 29.

This movie is going to be so good. REALLY. Ice Cube plays the hero, and, as we all know from seeing the movie “Anaconda,” he is an accomplished, Oscar-caliber actor. The special effects look believable and real, because the previews show missiles shooting out of a tricked out six-four. This movie will be so fast and furious. It might even be 2 fast and 2 furious for me. It will be the fastest and furiousest movie ever.

Of course I am joking. This has the potential to be the worst movie of all time. Don’t get me wrong — I plan on going because it will be entertaining, but by entertaining, I mean unintentionally hilarious. I would recommend getting a sarcastic group of friends together, sneak a case of beer into the movie theater (like you’ve never done it) and enjoy the very best that Mr. Cube has to offer.

It occurs to me, however, that if “XXX: State of the Union” made it to the silver screen, I could probably make my own movie, as well — so I went ahead and formulated a plot. My movie is called “Xtreme Justice Enforced Xtremely” with the word Xtreme spelled with an “X” because then you know I mean business when I say “Xtreme.”

• Xtreme Scene 1 — Paul Walker and Ja Rule, who is wearing a sleeveless shirt, are sitting in an office getting chewed out by their boss, played by the Bald Guy from “Top Gun.” Obscure references will be made to their screwups, and Bald Guy will say things like, “Ladies, your egos are using debit cards your bodies can’t remember the PIN numbers for. Let’s be straight — your family names ain’t the best in the XSS (Xtreme Secret Service). Go see Penny to get your new assignment!”

Our heroes get their assignment from Penny the Secretary, who has been cast based on cup size. Ja Rule makes a witty play on words (“Damn, she IS money!”) for some quick comic relief.

• Xtreme Scene 2 — Sparks fly as our unlikely pair disagree on how to carry out their new assignment — protecting a lady scientist who has been cast based on cup size. When they appear to formulate a plan, Ja Rule will light a cigar and say “The plan is to KICK ASS.” Then a flaw is discovered, and Ja Rule will stub out his cigar dramatically. This will be done several times.

• Xtreme Scene 3 — The fight scene. This scene is so Xtreme I can’t even describe it to you. All I can say is that it’s heavily dependent on computer-generated imagery.

• Xtreme Scene 4 — The scientist is saved by our two heroes, who used a missile-shooting, tricked out six-four to do so. But a problem arises when they both appear to have fallen for the hot scientist. Who will she choose, you are Xtremely wondering. Will it be the clean-cut Walker or the raw, urban edginess of Ja Rule?

She chooses neither! In my movie, she ends up sleeping with Penny the Secretary.

• Xtreme Scene 5 — Later, at a bar, the two heroes laugh about the plot twist at the end of the movie involving the cup-size-qualified ladies who ditched them. Their former disagreements are forgotten as, despite being from different backgrounds, they find some commonalties with each other because neither can grow proper facial hair.

Iowa State, what do you think? I’m expecting investors to call momentarily.