In an ideal world, some things would be different.

“Dead Week” wouldn’t mean two exams and a paper. Beer pong would become an Olympic event. Arm wrestling and darts would not be nationally televised. Hawkeye fans would stop jamming my e-mail box with pictures of Gary Coleman and Erik Estrada with the message, “You are a bassbowl,” or something strikingly similar attached. Your guess is as good as mine as to what Coleman and Estrada have to do with me being a “bassbowl.”

In an ideal world, this is how the NFL draft will finish come Sunday: First pick, 49ers — Aaron Rodgers, QB, California. San Francisco drafts another quarterback that fits the mold, “unimpressive athlete with average arm strength.” Apparently, Tim Rattay and Ken Dorsey weren’t anemic enough.

Second pick, Dolphins — Braylon Edwards, wide receiver, Michigan. Edwards is the best prospect in draft. He and Chris Chambers could be an impressive tandem at wide receiver.

Third pick, Browns — Cleveland forfeits its first-round selection. In the long run, this is a brilliant idea, considering the money they have squandered on these recent first-round gems: Tim Couch, Courtney Brown, Gerard Warren, William Green, Jeff Faine and Kellen Winslow. Collective stats for these guys: zero Pro Bowls, once gun possession charge, two DUIs.

Fourth pick, Bears — Ronnie Brown, running back, Auburn. Drafting a running back will make any Bears fan squeamish. Former first round picks Rashaan Salaam (1995) and Curtis Enis (1998) combined to play only six years in the NFL. Impress someone with this tidbit: Salaam is the only former Heisman Trophy winner to have played for the Memphis Maniacs of the XFL.

Seventh pick, Vikings — Carnell “Cadillac” Williams, running back, Auburn. Yes, I know the Vikings don’t need a running back, but adding Cadillac would give Minnesota a definite edge in the all-name team. With stellar names like Daunte, Kinechi, Napoleon, Dontarrious and Mewelde, how could they not draft Cadillac?

Eighth pick, Cardinals — Adam “Pac Man” Jones, cornerback, West Virginia. He’s a speedy corner with the confidence Arizona needs. Actually, more players need to have nicknames from ’80s arcade games. How about Jason “Centipede” Scales, Bret “Missile Command” Meyer, Tim “Asteroids” Dobbins or Aaron “Dig Dug” Brant?

32nd pick, Patriots — Matt Roth, defensive end, Iowa. Being drafted by the Patriots could give Roth the chance to win a championship, something his Hawkeyes never did. At this point, the Coleman and Estrada e-mails start again. If only Iowa fans were able to laugh.

64th pick, Patriots — New England trades the 64th pick to the Jets for cornerback Derrick Strait. The Patriots need someone to fill the void vacated by Ty Law, and Strait would be the perfect complement to New England’s other starting corner Randall Gay. I really wish I was joking.

99th pick, Chiefs — Ellis Hobbs III, cornerback, Iowa State. I don’t think I could ever get tired of seeing Ellis in cardinal and gold.