Never before has a Government of the Student Body candidate possessed such qualities.

Never, I reckon, has a GSB slate felt such love for the student body. For this reason, I am proud to announce the candidacy of Pedro Sanchez, who is pretty much my favorite candidate.

Vote for Pedro! His leadership in FFA has proven invaluable. This candidate — nay, hero — will shake up student government and make students care.

Those other slates are just jealous because I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. That’s why they’re promising to lower tuition, after the last few presidents ran on a platform of back-to-back-to-back increases.

They had no skills. It takes a real cagefighter to show the regents who’s the boss, and that candidate, my friends, is Pedro Sanchez.

But Pedro Sanchez will not only promise you the moon — he will also deliver the stars. No longer must you suffer the embarrassment of having a ridiculous ISUCard photo. Under the leadership of Pedro Sanchez, Glamour Shots by Deb will be available to all.

No longer will we students suffer abuse at the hands of city and county government. Pedro Sanchez has pledged to fight the proposed keg ordinance to the death, using his eight weeks of training in the Rex Kwon Do system. That’s right, Story County — bow to your sensei!

Pedro does this because of his undying love for the community. He doesn’t wish to see a useless ordinance enacted that will only end up stoking resentment and increasing the taboo effect of underage drinking. It is but one expression of Pedro’s commitment to the One Community Road Map. Pedro offers you his love and protection.

“Riddle me this,” I know you are thinking. “How is it that so complete a human being has decided to run for office?” Believe me, my fellow students, I struggle with this question as well. Not the least of my worries is that Pedro isn’t an ISU student. It is for this reason that Pedro has decided to run as a write-in candidate.

Never before has victory been so unlikely, with the stakes so high. You ever wish you could go back in time with all the knowledge you have now? Pedro has seen the future, and that’s what he is trying to stop by running.

Don’t get stuck in the Happy Hands Club, it really sucks. If the Student Activities Center gets its way, students won’t have as many choices for student groups. The other campaigns have expressed opposition to the policy, but yeah right, who is the only candidate who knows secret ninja moves from the government?

Besides, Pedro is like the only candidate with a mustache. He also has a sweet bike and has offered to pedal to class any student affected by cutbacks in the CyRide budget.

Such is the leadership of Pedro Sanchez — stylish, assertive and utterly essential. He learned long ago that students only want candidates who have great skills, and Pedro shall not disappoint.

So please, fellow students, make your vote count. I promise you that a vote for Pedro will ensure that all of your wildest dreams will come true.

Just listen to your heart, that’s what I do. Log on to www.vote.iastate.edu and submit your choice — it really is that simple. Pedro is the merlot of GSB slates, capturing a noble spirit that unfolds into the bold yet balanced face of a medieval warrior.

It’s simple. Just log on, listen to your heart, and vote for the candidate who will make all of your wildest dreams come true. And if that amazing speech doesn’t convince you, I shall get up on stage and dance. But if you’d like to avoid that, just take my word and vote for Pedro!