So the Government of the Student Body elections are upon us again. Of course I have been tirelessly poring over the platforms of the candidates so as to gain a better understanding of how each might affect me.

Jon Crosbie looks out for number one, and by God, HE won’t be voting for anyone who isn’t in HIS best interests.

I see that there is no candidate who says, “My platform revolves around whatever Jon Crosbie wants.” Well. Isn’t that a metaphorical shot across the bow. I’m genuinely offended by this lack of attendance to MY needs. How dare none of the candidates take the time to ask me what I think about everything? (Is 650 words a week in the Daily not enough?)

You know what, Iowa State? Screw it. I’M running for GSB. Hold on a second while I quickly formulate a platform … DONE!

I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat wondering how old Jon Crosbie will be sorting out this campus. Well, let me tell you about the first thing that’ll be changed around here.

I have four words for you — two-ply toilet paper. Iowa State, too long have I limped to class! Too long have I seen this university slave to the almighty dollar, trading comfort for a few measly pennies. As if your genetics class weren’t hard enough, now the university is adding insult to, umm, injury. Vote for me and I’ll even push for the stuff with aloe.

That’s not the only bathroom-related item I plan on changing. Follow me on this, Iowa State, because the connection to bathrooms is not overly apparent. No longer will the crow population outside of the city limits fear the wrath of the crow hunters. I put it to you, Iowa State, that we must coexist with the noble crow. If I’m elected GSB president, I’ll push for houses to be built for all the crows around campus.

These houses will be built wherever DPS parks its ticket-giving trucks so its fleet of Rangers are dooked upon on a daily basis. This is the kind of positive change you can expect from Jon Crosbie.

There is no “Pick-A-Prof” on this guy’s slate. With Crosbie, you get “Pick-A-Grade”. An A shall no longer unattainable in Physics 221! Not only will you get to pick your grade, but you get to pick what it means. For example, if you picked an F, it wouldn’t stand for “Fail,” it would stand for “F—in’ Awesome Score, Now Go to the Bar!”

I have formulated a full-on, heartfelt plan to stop Ashlee Simpson on campus. It wasn’t enough that she’s got a record contract; now even television isn’t safe — some idiot gave Ashlee her own show. If I’m elected, I’ll introduce a plan to GSB wherein any person who throws a brick at any TV showing “The Ashlee Simpson Show” will be reimbursed monetarily for the TV and the brick and receive a parking pass for anywhere on campus.

In all seriousness (I know, it’s weird, but try to bear with me for a second), get to a computer and vote. It takes about 30 seconds, and it’s a great thing to do while waiting for that file to download. Don’t bother claiming that it’s family pictures … I’m not judging.

Remember my credo: “If you don’t vote, you suck at life.”