Well, I guess it’s time for a quiz.

These words can strike fear into the heart of any procrastinating college student. Iowa State, we may all have different ideals and values, but nothing is quite as obnoxious as that infamous phrase and the professors who typically utter it. After all, unless it’s one of the very cool write-your-name-on-the-paper quizzes, it’s really not fair, is it? I mean, you weren’t told about it, so it’s not as if you even have the opportunity to work your busy schedule of napping and “NCAA 2005” around an unannounced quiz. Dammit, this is unjust, the way I see it.

I also have a suspicion that these “pop quizzes” are really just a form of prescribed therapy. Clearly the professors are irritated about something and feel the need to write a quiz to amuse themselves. Since I am also irritated, I think I’ll just give that strategy a go.

I’m irritated about March, by the way. March is one of the lamest months ever. Just when you think it’s warm enough to put away your winter coat, March knocks out a foot of snow. Bring the coat back out and it’s 60 degrees by noon. March sucks.

That said, March does have several things going for it … it has Spring Break, which is nice. It has March Madness, which is nice. Most importantly, it has St. Patrick’s Day (cue singing angels).

Iowa State, I want to make sure that you have a downright corking St. Paddy’s Day, and because of that, well, I guess it’s time for a quiz.

Will I Have a Good St. Patrick’s Day?

A Scientific Quiz

by Jon Crosbie

1. On St. Patrick’s Day, I plan to drink …

a) A pint of Guinness, which I claim to love, but a Smirnoff Ice when nobody’s looking

b) The guy who answered “a” under the table

c) The weight of my own head in dark beers

2. My St. Paddy’s day conversation will include …

a) Loudly telling everybody I’m Irish, even though I’ve never been east of Chicago

b) Loudly ordering another round

c) Loudly singing “The Seven Drunken Nights” slightly off-key.

3. My Irish accent is…

a) Impeccable — I can do an awesome impression of the Lucky Charms leprechaun

b) Not attempted

c) Heavily dependent on an F-word that I pronounce as rhyming with “book”

4. The phrase “Top o’ the mornin’ to ya” is …

a) Something I will say well into the afternoon because it’s funny, original and authentic

b) Something I recognize no Irishman actually says

c) Something that warrants a beating

5. My Irish influences from cinema include …

a) Cruise in “Far and Away,” and DiCaprio in “Gangs of New York” (’cause they was so convincing!)

b) Stephan (“If I risk my neck for you, will I get a chance to kill Englishmen?”)

c) The Boondock Saints (“Well, we can’t do much damage with that, then, can we? Perhaps it should have been rule of wrist…”)

Alrighty! Let’s see how you did. If you answered “a” at all, for any reason, you suck. Of course “b” is an excellent way to go if you don’t want to get thrown in jail. If you don’t care, well, “c” is the way to go, and I’ll get you the lyrics to “The Seven Drunken Nights.”

Finally, Iowa State, make sure you call a cab or a sober friend and sing as loud as you can to them the whole way home. They’ll like it. Trust me.