Verse One:

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta, legislating away your social ills. Although I was born in the suburbs, now I’m coming down from the hills. Damn it feels good to be a gangsta, pushing through the county keg ordinance. I am going to get my way, even though it don’t make much sense.

Now ISU students come in all shapes and colors, and I hate every single one. And since they just want to be left alone, the prohibition league is my fun.

Now all I got to say to you wannabe gonna be academic freedom-lovin’ pranksters, is when the gavel drops down what the !@#% you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Verse Two:

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta. A real gangsta politician gets his way. A real gangsta politician ignores questions, making laws and claiming to save the day.

Now students look at City Council like a stop sign, wishing they could win at least a single seat. But catch the ballot April 5, take the marker fill it out and end up hitting the council with your greets.

Cuz gangsta politicians be the rule makers, and in as much must be opposed. And for everything that they have done, City Hall must be bulldozed. Now all I got to say to you wannabe gonna be academic freedom-lovin’ pranksters, is when April 5th comes around what the !@#% you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Verse Three:

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta, attacking all the ISU students. Got my own agenda and obsession, and it’s called the county keg ordinance.

Can’t really say that I’ve thought out the details, haven’t thought of the consequence. Don’t care if keggers turn to vodka, I just really, really hate students. But maybe I could use the liquor, to exploit some pretty women. If not that, then cherry Jell-O shots, either way the situation is win-win.

Anyway, Boone is just down the road, don’t have to really drive very far. To get an unregistered keg, just drunken hop in my car. So all I got to say to you wannabe gonna be academic freedom-lovin’ pranksters, when the fascists line up what the !@#% you gonna do? Damn it feels good to be a gangsta.

Verse Four:

And now a word from the columnist!

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta, getting voted onto the Editorial Board. But every now and then, I gotta mix it up because my editor is my lord. And so I come to you with this message, saying to oppose the keg ordinance. Although I am not a heavy drinker, this legislation is anti-student.

After meeting with the keg ordinance people, let me tell you I was very pissed. Most people would feel similarly, after dealing with prohibitionists. It wasn’t how they avoided questions, or even the rude and condescending tone — but simply how they carried themselves, sitting atop their own self-made throne.

Combating underage drinking’s a good idea, but this plan just doesn’t even fit. With so many loopholes and side-effects, this plan just ain’t worth !@#%.

And to all my loved readers just drinking beer, I’d sincerely like to thank you. If we work together, we could have the county swinging from our nuts, and damn it feels good to be a gangsta.