Iowa State, I’m not going to lie — I’ve been having a rough week. I realized something downright shocking this week, and it’s made it hard to get out of bed — sometimes before 10 a.m. — and struggle through the daily grind.

What has got me down, you might ask? I’ll tell you: We have all been lied to by our elementary school teachers.

You see, Iowa State, as American youth we were brought up to believe certain things and were pushed to value certain ideals. Our elementary school teachers have instilled false promises and have painted an inaccurate picture of the world that we bought into as a result of our innocence and youth. I am outraged.

Of course I am talking about long division. I remember being told specifically that long division was a skill that I must master because it would be useful in college. I remember being told that there would be times a calculator would not be available to me. I remember being told that if nuclear winter would come about and the earth were turned into a barren wasteland, leaders would be chosen based on their ability to perform long division. This was all fed to me, except for that last part I just made up.

I guess the claim that long division would be useful in college wasn’t entirely untrue, as it provided a distraction during class. Last week, during a lecture I wasn’t paying attention to, I decided to see if I could accurately divide 56,372 by 24. I vaguely recalled something about a “quotient” and a “remainder,” but after five minutes of “calculation” I got what Mrs. Greene would have referred to as “the wrong answer.”

The reason I know it was the wrong answer was because I had my trusty calculator right there, even though I was told it would never be available to me, ever. My answer in no way resembled the calculator’s. I think my answer even had letters in it.

Another thing about which I was forced to learn was prime numbers. Prime numbers were presented to me as a fantastic concept of math, though I have only found two practical applications of them.

The first is the old school (like Apple IIGS old school) computer game “Number Munchers.” I never actually figured out what a prime number was during this game; instead, I just memorized which ones I could eat and consequently get High Score. Of course High Score meant that, instead of your initials, you could reference three-letter parts of anatomy on a school computer.

The only other time I have ever found prime numbers to be of use was when my friend Jon Froiland printed off the world’s longest known prime number on a university printer strictly for comedic value. As it happens, the world’s longest known prime number is at least 106 pages long, though the exact length is unknown because the lab monitor canceled the print job.

I was also told cursive writing was an extremely important skill. Nothing could be less accurate, because through extensive research I have discovered that outside of elementary school, exactly four people in the whole universe can correctly write a cursive “z.” At the time, however, I was made to think that not knowing cursive would damn me to the same fate in a job interview as those who stole cable. (“You’re highly qualified, Jon, but our background check showed that you don’t know how to write a cursive ‘z’…”)

I have choked on these lies long enough. If I ever have kids, I’m going to give them the truth straight away. No son of mine is going to go through fifth grade believing the recorder is a real instrument.

I’ll tell you one thing, Iowa State, if I find out that nobody in the real world uses organic chemistry, I’m gonna be REALLY pissed.