“Tis a wise man who learns from the stupidity of a humor writer.”

Ah, the wisdom of that quote is timeless. It’s an ageless axiom that was probably uttered by somebody famous, a man or woman of the world whose knowledge astounded the masses and gave hope to those who had none. Or not. I don’t know because I just made that quote up.

Well, whatever. Learning from the mistakes of others is this week’s topic and, Iowa State, I’d like you to quit taking notes for a second and pay attention to something vastly more important than gravity constants or Salvador Dali’s surrealism. As if you are affected by such nonsense. What you must do this week is learn from the mistakes of others.

Now, I could tell you that my friends were all guilty of the idiotic acts that you will soon be reading about, but, Iowa State, you would see right through me. You, like Baxter the Dog, cut right to the core and so I will shamefully admit that it was I who managed to do all this idiotic crap. Try not to pay attention to my major as I wax eloquently on Dumb Stuff I’ve Done which You Never Should.

This all started with a visit to the optometrist because my contacts were hurting my eyes quite badly. The eye lady asked me how long I’d been wearing my current pair of contacts and I replied that I’d been wearing the same pair for more than four and a half years.

I realize now — after finding out that I’ve scarred my cornea — that this is a remarkably stupid thing to do, so you probably shouldn’t. As it happens, a scarred cornea really isn’t that big of a deal, but I still had to deal with the receptionist rolling her eyes over into Nebraska when I asked if my contacts were too old to wear.

After some deserved abuse from the eye lady, I thought to myself, “Jon, you’ve been a dumbass on more than one occasion; what other things might you warn the good people of Iowa State about?”

And a column was born.

The first thing that immediately sprang to mind was never, ever, assume that your roommate will buy toilet paper. Ask yourself in the grocery store, “Is this really the time to be a cheap bastard?”

I will tell you this, Iowa State, and it’s one of the truest things you will ever read — it is always better to have too much toilet paper than not enough. Perfectly good issues of Maxim have been ruined by such penny-pinching idiocy.

After pondering a bit more, I remembered that a few years ago, for five ill-advised weeks, I might have dated the Antichrist. You should definitely avoid this. Iowa State, dating is hard enough – minions of Satan have no place in your lives, let me be the first to tell you.

I see that my column space is tragically running short, and will end on arguably the dumbest thing that any one has ever done in the history of analgesic balms. During high school football, I pulled a groin muscle and formulated a brilliant plan to put Icy Hot on the aforementioned injury.

You should go ahead and pass on that.

I can say with absolute certainty that it does not matter what kind of underpants you are wearing, the Icy Hot knows where it can do the most damage. I am not sure how it does this, but I suspect that it’s because God has a fantastic sense of humor.

Well, I do hope this has been educational – if I can help just one person, it’s all worth it. If I can provide one soul with a way out, my work has not been in vain.

If one young man, sore from sprinting puts down the tube of Icy Hot, I’ll know I’ve made a difference.