President Bush has said that he will seek diplomatic solutions with Syria, Iran and North Korea. My only question is: Why?

Despite our military being stretched thin as it is, we can still summon the resources to invade all three countries simultaneously and bless them with democracy from above. I’m frankly tired of their half-hearted excuses for governments. Since my knee-jerk, street-fight mentality is valid foreign policy, I say we save them from themselves immediately with a costly ground invasion. Our perfected, flawless society deserves to be shared by all, whether they want it or not.

How can we achieve this, you might ask? Simple: Privatize the military.

First and foremost, I think I can spend my military budget better than some bureaucrat in Washington. I mean, after all, it is my money. I should have a say in how it is used. I say we put more money into neutron bombs, because neutron bombs are wicked awesome. With the government spending my money for me, how often do I get to see a great televised war? Once, maybe twice every 20 years if I’m lucky? (The History Channel needs new wars to congratulate us on. How many more specials can they provide us with new reasons to hate Hitler?) With people like me calling the shots, not only would we have a regular war like a morning exercise routine, we would definitely see some greater use out of the neutron bomb. It kills all the people and leaves infrastructure and resources intact. Brilliant!

Second, we can get a lot more revenue out of war and military operations if private investors and firms were calling the shots. How much money are you getting out of the taxes you pay to our defense budget? Probably not as much as you put in, and frankly, that’s a bad investment. Just think about it — who has the most to gain from people’s pain and injuries? Why, the pharmaceutical companies! Lots of people get hurt and maimed during warfare and probably want painkillers. Talk about market potential! The Pfizer Marines could clear out a city, secure its resources for plundering, then distribute medicine to the sick and wounded at 200 percent of cost. As a tertiary income for investors, Americans back home will fatten up watching the televised war and eating potato chips, making sure they need all kinds of cholesterol-lowering drugs later in life. Those profits are then used to fund the next invasion. It’s the circle of life, Simba! We can’t afford to not invade.

Third, instead of relying on patriots and the selfless to fill our military ranks, we can actively hire soldiers through private firms. Each prospective soldier will be offered a comprehensive package of competitive benefits for joining the forces of any private company. That way, competition will drive the hiring of soldiers, ensuring we have enough ground troops for all the invading instead of relying on patriotism or need in a crisis. You don’t think Microsoft or Starbucks can offer you better benefits for your family than the government? Just imagine the commercials: “John lost his job when his factory was shipped over to Indonesia. That’s when I told him about the Enron Air Force. Dying gloriously for profit in the Enron Air Force has surprising benefits for your family …”

Let’s face facts people; 40 years down the road, the Grand Bush-League Empire won’t have the troops it needs to continue the People’s Campaign of Improvement upon the Infidels. Privatizing the military is our only recourse of action if we’re to forestall a disaster. Either that, or a draft. You don’t want a draft, do you? A draft would just bring all this war business to the forefront of people’s minds and make them consider certain moral issues we’d like to avoid and make them remember that Americans are still dying. I think it’s better if we tuck in headlines like, “20 young American soldiers killed in car bomb” between stories about Julia Roberts’ twins and Brad Pitt. You hardly notice it and everyone is nice and comfortable.