My fellow Cyclones: I’m so glad you’ve joined me today during your physics lecture to look at what cries out for help here at Iowa State. This week, I give you …

The State of the University Address.

I’m afraid, Iowa State, the situation is much grimmer than people would admit. There are things that have been ignored for far too long. Though campus leaders have looked away, I will not. These issues cannot be swept under the proverbial rug.

By God, we’ll change things if we work together. In this column, I’m going to talk about three pressing campus problems and how they can be solved.

We will start with what I feel is probably the most detrimental action towards one’s self and one’s university. Chillingly, Iowa State, young men are not respecting themselves or their college by continuing to wear their baseball hats off to the side.

In this attempt to look trendily disheveled, you succeed only in looking like a colossal tool. Especially ridiculous is wearing a pea coat or other items you have purchased at the Gap along with your cockeyed trucker hat. Ask yourself, Iowa State, when you wake up in the morning and are leaving for class, “Do I look like Ashton Kutcher?” If the answer to this question is ever yes, have some respect for yourself and stay indoors. I would suggest watching “Just Married” to see who you are attempting to imitate.

It doesn’t just stop with the hat wearer. Friends must come together and help sort out this problem. Just the other day, I saw some goon sitting in the Union loudly having himself a dip, with an artfully worn, pre-ripped Auburn hat, probably purchased last week, perched atop his head and in no way oriented with his line of sight. His friends were sitting there, doing nothing about a pal’s legitimate problem. You might feel “odd,” you might feel “preachy,” and you might even feel like it’s “not your business,” but hats worn incorrectly are everybody’s business. If you see an off-center hat at a party, grab three of your biggest friends and for the love of your university, go and straighten that hat. Make Iowa State a better place.

It doesn’t stop with hats. Tragically, the “bumpin'” stereo belonging to the people living below me has not exploded. This stereo is usually playing loudly in the afternoon so as to impress any high schoolers who might drive by.

If you find yourself bragging about your stereo to somebody else or playing it very loudly at 1:30 on Tuesday afternoon, then you might have a problem. I would suggest watching “Joe Dirt” to see what you might become.

Finally, Iowa State, Lied Recreation Center is starting to see an increase in sleeveless Hollister shirts.

This trend is almost as disturbing as the hat thing, though not quite as bad as the guy I saw working out in a full Iowa Hawkeyes basketball uniform.

Who the hell does that? It’s not even that it was a Hawkeye uniform, it’s the fact that it was a full uniform. The same people who do this are also seemingly confined to benching pressing and bicep curls.

If you might be one of these people, the first thing to do is to take weight off of the bar and attempt to lift with some semblance of form. Put on the free T-shirt you got this year from freshman orientation, and everything should fall into place.

This is everybody’s responsibility, and I’m hoping that we can all find it within ourselves to fix the uncool things that happen here. If not for yourself, then do it for the children, the precious future of Iowa State who might come here thinking there’s nothing wrong with talking on a cell phone in the rec.