Editor’s note — This is the first of a two-part series wherein Jon Crosbie tackles yet another hugely important issue to the world.

Well, Iowa State, my last two weekends have been absolutely phenomenal because I’ve done nothing but watch football. The flu (or possibly Ebola) virus that I caught gave me a great excuse to make the sofa my rightful throne. I rejoiced in the Vikings loss because, as a Bears fan, I am filled with bitterness and have little but the failures of hated teams to keep me going.

Chicago’s anemic offense is not the only thing that has disappointed me this season. I have also been shocked at the lack of funny beer commercials that have showed up on TV this year. That’s why, in the hope that Anheuser-Busch executives read the Iowa State Daily (and why shouldn’t they?), I’ve gone and listed the Top Five Finest Beer Commercials/Campaigns in Television History.

I must confine this list to American beer because the watery, tasteless, and, gosh, I hate to say it, somewhat impotent domestic brews require a good marketing campaign to sell themselves. Of course, this column was written to spark intelligent debate within the student body and also because I couldn’t think of anything else to write. So here we go …

The Top 5 Beer Commercials of All Time

No. 5. “Real Men of Genius — Footlong Hotdog Man” — Bud Light

The “Footlong Hotdog Man” narrowly edged out the “Great Taste/Less Filling Mud Wrestling Girls” for fifth place. He didn’t stop with eight inches, but instead presented a foot of beefy goodness. This decision to bump them from the list may very well haunt me for the rest of my life, and you are all free to criticize my decision.

No. 4. “Here’s to the Wingman” — Coors Light.

Other than the fact that the commercial betrayed guys everywhere by unveiling a popular bar tactic within its lyrics (“Takin’ one for the team — So your buddy can live the dream”) this whole commercial was fantastic. It gave credit where credit was due and contained nothing but brilliantly conceived music (“But she’s towing an anchor — a junior investment banker.”)

No. 3. “The Bud Bowl” — Budweiser/Bud Light

At first glance, the thought of beer playing football might have seemed stupid. Clearly, this is not true. The Bud Bowl became more interesting than the actual game because in those days the NFC usually had the game wrapped up midway through the second quarter. The Bud Bowl was, incidentally, vastly superior to the Budweiser Frogs.

No. 2. “Schmidt’s Gay” — Saturday Night Live

I don’t care if it was a parody or not, this sort-of-commercial was hysterical. It is totally valid to include on this list because every so often you can find actual Schmidt’s beer on Fire Sale at the Keg Shop which my friends and I then buy, completely because of SNL’s fake commercial.

Before we get to No. 1, I want to send out an honorable mention to the finest imported beer ad campaign — “Hooray Beer!” put forth by Red Stripe. “Hooray Beer!” is something that pretty much sums up the beverage, something I’ve always wanted to yell freely, and thus narrowly edges out the “Brilliant!” campaign given to us by the good people at Guinness. And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for …

No. 1. The Swedish Bikini Team — Old Milwaukee

If you are too young to remember this ad campaign, the premise was that when a party was lame, the Swedish Bikini Team would parachute in with Old Milwaukee to save the day. This ad changed beer advertisement forever by gloriously overusing sex to sell a product. It was akin to Lawrence Taylor reinventing the linebacker position.

This list is finished, but I’m not. Next week, check out the Top Five Worst beer commercials of all time, just in time for the Super Bowl.