Saying that the Iowa-Iowa State wrestling rivalry is heated is like saying that Ron Artest is only a little crazy or that “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II” was only kind of a good movie. It just doesn’t do it justice.

The annual Hawks-Clones scrap always has more subplots than a season of “Days of Our Lives,” more blood than a Mark Ryden exhibit and more violence than a Pistons home game (don’t worry, I just met my quota for lame NBA fight jokes, so feel free to continue reading).

It draws wrestling royalty like Dan Gable, Jim Gibbons and Cael Sanderson and pits the toughest competitors the two traditional wrestling powers have to offer against each other. With every takedown of every match invoking life-and-death-type reactions from fans, coaches and competitors, it would almost seem fitting for someone to post a “two men enter, one man leaves” sign at the edge of the mat.

In short, Carver-Hawkeye Arena and Hilton Coliseum take turns becoming the Thunderdome for an afternoon each year, and there isn’t a better place to be than in the stands watching it.

Unfortunately, the finals that are hovering above my head like a bucket of slime above a Nickelodeon “Double Dare” loser and the fact that my car is older than most of the people reading this column kept me from making the drive to Iowa City this weekend.

So as I watched the meet on Iowa Public Television (which incidentally asks for money more often than a spoiled kid in the Hy-Vee checkout lane), I realized that seeing the meet on TV just isn’t the same as being there in person. So, while the second-ranked Cyclones sewed up their second straight win over their ninth-rated intrastate rivals, I compiled a list of all the great things about the meet that would have been even better had I been there in person.

1. Iowa freshman 174-pounder Luke Lofthouse — If anyone has been wondering what happened to the actor who starred as “Powder” in the 1997 movie of the same name, he or his identical twin is wrestling for the Hawkeyes. Lofthouse makes Casper look tan, and I would have loved to ask him to autograph my director’s cut “Powder” DVD.

2. Not watching the IPTV commentators — The unintentional comedy of the broadcasting team almost made it worth watching, as did the running tally of people the commentators claimed were either “ambassadors of the sport” or “good for wrestling.” Add that to the number of times Dan Gable said that Trent Paulson had good hips (more than five) and the occasions when Tim Johnson lost his train of thought in mid-sentence never to regain it (more than 10), and it all added up to high comedy.

3. Not seeing the Packers get absolutely murdered by the Eagles — It was like watching a car crash where every second seemed to last an eternity and no amount of carnage could make me look away. It was truly horrifying to watch, and I would have gladly spent a four-hour road trip (otherwise known as the time it takes pop radio stations to play “My Boo” 13 times) staring at my windshield instead.

4. Wrestling’s unwritten golden rule — The sport’s unspoken tenet that requires grapplers to push, hit, elbow, trip, bump, spindle or otherwise assault each other every time they walk from out of bounds to the center of the mat never disappoints me.

It’s all done in the name of intimidation, and it makes every break in the action look like a scuffle between cellmates over who gets the top bunk.

5. Verifying my facts for this column better — I’m not 100 percent certain of this, but I don’t think Bobby Douglas was wearing a fanny pack at the meet, which is unprecedented. That’s like teachers actually adhering to Dead Week rules — it just doesn’t happen.

6. Possible national finals previews — Nate Gallick-Alex Tsirtsis (this year), Kurt Backes-Paul Bradley (next year) and Travis Paulson-Mark Perry (a lot of years) are matches that could be wrestled again in March with national titles on the line.

7. Sitting next to other wrestling fans at an Iowa State-Iowa meet — Like other sports fans, they are loyal, knowledgeable and passionate about the sport they love. Unlike other sports fans, it’s not uncommon for them to rise from their seats to scream “Rip his fingers off” or “Break his arm” when such encouragement is warranted. It just makes you feel all warm inside.

And that’s why I wish I had been there.