Americans like big things, and lots of them. The Daily’s DPD Duo decided for their last Dirt Poor Dining of the year that they would take the weathered flags and yellow ribbon decals off their cars and head to where patriotism lives — the buffet. Not just any buffet though — a totally red, white and blue Chinese buffet.

Atmosphere:

KB: All I ask for when I’m going to gorge myself with delicious Americanized Chinese food is that there are comfy, big chairs and lots of space on the table for my plates. That’s what there was with some nice Ming-wannabe vases and Asian-looking paintings on the walls. I was sold.

KF: The ceiling was pretty. It had a chandelier and blue light. Everything else looked like a hotel lobby, only with seasoned buffet eaters all around. And a few unhappy babies. I felt like I was in a fine-dining establishment in South Dakota. Kim was aiding that mood by creeping me out when she was telling me about her Satan-Communist dreams.

Service:

KB: The waitress was nice enough not to get disgusted by Kate and my who-can-eat-the-most contest as well as Kate’s strange fascination with crushing fortune cookies to smithereens. I served myself well with plenty of chicken drowned in sauce and lots of fried dumplings.

KF: Damn, I did a great job waitressing for myself. I never let my plate get empty and I regularly made sure I was eating what I liked. Between helping myself, I had time to challenge everyone at the table to a contest of who can rack up the most empty plates. However, I didn’t really ease myself into the process, and started off with two full plates of food. Would I be able to win?

Quantity/Value:

KB: The thing about buffets, I realized, is that no one goes there for the tastiness of the food. They go there to eat so much that they have to throw up in the parking lot. I made sure to fulfill that bargain with the buffet owners. Kate is wrong.

I also ate four plates, but at a slower pace, because I was amazed at how much sprightly little Kate could fill in her hollow arm. There isn’t any plaster and metal in there, it’s totally stockpiled food. That woman is like a chipmunk, stuffing her hollow arm for winter.

KF: I wasn’t leaving until I got my $9.04 worth in food. By the time I left, I felt like I was going to throw up. But hey, at a whopping four empty plates, I beat everyone at the table in the plate-emptying contest. Take that, Kim! Aren’t you little Asian people supposed to be able to champion great contests using your Jedi mind tricks?

Quality/Taste:

KB: I love dumplings. I really do. And there were lots of dumplings, lots of tasty dumplings that rival my favorite Chinese restaurant, Chinese Homestyle Cooking, in quality of dumplings.

The green beans were also tasty, and so were the numerous chicken concoctions with brown sauce and seafood with white sauce. No, it wasn’t served by my mother, but then again, I’m not Chinese, I’m Vietnamese.

KF: Buffets aren’t supposed to massage your taste buds. Everything was tasty enough though. I really felt a part of the culture though. Who knew the Chinese enjoyed Jell-O and donuts as much as I did? The food was more Chinese than Kim.

Kim’s rating: 3.5 out of 5 forks

Kate’s rating: 3 out of 5 forks

King Buffet

1311 Buckeye Ave. (515) 233- 5252

Hours: Monday-Thursday: 11 a.m. to 10:30 p.m.; Friday-Sunday: 11 a.m. to 11 p.m.