Well, Iowa State, the dreaded Finals Week is upon us again.

I myself am massively excited because I had three tests during “Dead Week” and would like to take this opportunity to publicly thank everybody who might have been responsible for that.

Apparently, it’s completely legitimate to schedule three exams during “Dead Week.” I guess what’s really irking me is the fact that the university still feels the need to tease me with this hogswallop “Dead Week” title. They should just drop the label because they’ve even scheduled a swim meet, an indoor track meet and three basketball games during this “Dead Week” sham.

It’s like a 25- cent tip: The person/people giving it to you know they should be providing either a “Dead Week” or a tip, yet instead choose to give you a metaphorical kick in the junk.

But whatever. Instead of being bitter, I’m going to jump on the bandwagon and give an exam of my own.

I can assure you, Iowa State, that this is the easiest exam you’ll have all week. There are no right or wrong answers, though if you don’t pick up on the sarcasm, you automatically fail.

Am I a Good College

Student? A Scientific Quiz

by Jon Crosbie

1. During my first few weeks of college, I was most concerned with …

A. The difficult transition that comes with the new responsibilities of college life.

B. Whether or not my parents would cut me off when they found out I was failing English 104.

C. Remembering the Social Security number on my fake ID.

2. I drink because …

A. The bigger guys down the hall make me.

B. I had three tests during Dead Week.

C. The more beer I drink, the more money I can get when I return cans.

3. I feel that DPS can be …

A. A catalyst for a safe campus that I am comfortable walking through.

B. A catalyst for humor columns.

C. Outrun.

4. On Friday mornings I am generally …

A. Up bright and early for my 8 a.m. class.

B. Bitching that I signed up for the 8 a.m. class.

C. Doing the walk of shame.

5. To me the Freshman 15 was …

A. Nothing to be concerned about because I worked out everyday to keep my body in tip top shape.

B. An underestimation.

C. Actually the number of tequila poppers I did before I fell into the Memorial Union fountain.

6. My electives at Iowa State included …

A. A broad diversity of subjects that I was excited to learn.

B. A really bad decision to try to study astronomy because I thought I’d like it.

C. A pair of C’s, five D’s, and three F’s.

OK! Let’s add up your scores and see how you did … if you scored three or more A’s, you should be proud of yourself. You are on your way to being a responsible pillar of the community. However, you are tragically boring and don’t have too many friends.

Three or more B’s is good except that you fail if you didn’t have the foresight not to schedule an 8 a.m.

Three or more C’s means that we should probably hang out before you flunk out because you sound like a good time.

Have a great break, and drive safe wherever you may go …