I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving break. I know I had a great time worrying about the studying I should have been doing, but wasn’t. I don’t actually like turkey that much, but eating the weight of my own femur in mashed potatoes (with a tibia’s worth of gravy) made me thankful.

You know what else I’m thankful for? I’m thankful for the chance to write this column and improve all of your collective lives.

This week is no exception, Iowa State, because this week I’m going to talk about something that you all might shy away from. This week’s topic is

***DANGER***

I bet you didn’t know this, but your beloved campus could be a death trap. That’s why, in the interest of all humanity, I went ahead and compiled a list that will help you avoid the terrifying physical and economic threats that you all face every day and don’t know about.

I give you the Top Five Most Dangerous Places on Campus:

5. The Thorny Trees by Marston Hall and Parks Library: What the hell are these things? I am massively terrified of living, breathing (yes, plants engage in respiration) growing implements of multiple puncture wounds.

Maybe it’s a statement against deforestation. Maybe they can’t figure out how to get close enough to cut them down.

I don’t know what they are or what they might represent, but I always question the prudence of putting spiked foliage of death in spots that beg for an unsuspecting freshman to accidentally crash his or her bicycle into.

4. The Zodiac in the Union: Go ahead. Roll your eyes. Scoff at what appears to be an attempt to fill column space, but I do not jest. There is no easier way to receive an academic smiting than to walk across that notorious, astrological, B+ damning floor inlay. Yes, yes, study all you want, but, if you dare test the examination gods, your ass is heading to second-year freshman status.

3. Lake LaVerne: In the name of Ralph Nader, what is going on here? Now, I understand that many people think that it looks very pretty.

It does look very pretty, but, like some women, “pretty” is code for “hazardous.” It’s right between the dorms and Welch Avenue and proves to be a massive obstacle for those staggering home on Friday night.

Admittedly, this is mathematically improbable, but a friend of mine (who asked not to be named) proved it can be done. Jeff Lillie (note that it’s spelled with an “ie”) managed to fall asleep in Lake LaVerne for the better part of an hour one night. I imagine it is only through dumb luck that he was not attacked by the militant swans, which were put there to keep this sort of thing from happening.

2. Beardshear: It’s right in the middle of campus. They employ Jeremy, who always sorts out everything I need. The rest of the staff is always nice and friendly to me. Iowa State, what were you thinking? It is far too easy to walk into that building with nothing and walk out with $40,000 that you don’t have to pay back in the foreseeable future.

1. The Design Center: Yes, the Design Center. Why in the world would you build a five-story, open-air hall and then put a bunch of art students inside it? This is virtually begging for a black-clothed, melancholy human meteor to hurl himself or herself five stories down.

When they aren’t depressed, art students seem to be desperately searching for the next creative idea. Perhaps dropping a sofa five stories might convey some bizarre tribute to Andy Warhol. They might pull a Kurt Cobain in attempting to make their art live forever by, ironically, chucking themselves over the railing.

Iowa State, you’ve been warned. My work here is done.