I usually leave my Christmas shopping to the last minute, but that doesn’t mean I’m short on good ideas. Last Christmas, I forged autographs of celebrities onto photos I printed off the Internet, framed them and gave them to my friends. Yeah, I know that sucks, but this year will be better. I’m ahead of schedule, and my Christmas shopping list is almost done. Here’s a preview …

To: Barry Bonds — the “Fitness Made Simple” workout video from “Fitness Celebrity” John Basedow. This fitness program has not only improved the bodies and lives of men and women everywhere, but its all-natural emphasis will also keep Bonds from needing all those steroids he has “unknowingly” been using.

To: Kobe Bryant — an account on Thefacebook.com. After all, following his recent feuds with Shaq, the Mailman and Phil Jackson, he could really use some friends. In the facebook world, having interests like “taking 25 shots a night” and “traveling” will make him come off as an adventuresome partier. In the NBA, it just makes him selfish.

To: the deranged WNBA fans who still send me hate mail about a column I wrote two months ago — a restraining order. I’d tell them to let it go, but I’d be upset too if my favorite basketball player couldn’t touch the net without a running start.

To: Wally Szczerbiak and Tom Brady — 60-gallon barrels of industrial-strength hair gel. These guys have the best “game hair” in sports, keeping their ‘dos perfectly styled no matter how heated a game gets.

This can’t be an easy task (or a necessary one), but this gift should keep them both going for another couple of games.

To: George Steinbrenner — a lump of coal for his stocking. His heart is two sizes too small, his wallet is 184 million sizes too big.