Lets talk about sex. This is what we like to hear from the opposite sex, but not from our parents. Sex has always been something that is difficult to talk about, unless you’re with a group of your friends or inebriated beyond a salvageable point.

Just hold on one right minute, y’all. If I were from a land down south, a country we Northerners like to call Texas, I wouldn’t know what sex was unless I watched TV, or any number of movies or simply tried it with your girlfriend from high school.

“Sex? Watcha talking about?”

It’s called abstinence-only education, and it’s coming to a school near you, even if you’re not from Texas. Texas recently passed abstinence-only legislation that requires all school books in Texas to advocate only abstinence, and also to refer to marriage as a union between a man and a woman. Only. But we’ll save the gay marriage debate for another time.

However, not only will these books be required in Texas, but they might pop up elsewhere. Texas orders $4.3 billion in textbooks, and they can throw their weight around when it comes to what book publishers are making. Not only did they dictate that their children won’t learn healthy and safe sex practices, they are forcing children to have this education that is out of touch with reality.

Congratulations, Texas. You win. In Texas, girls from 15 to 17 have the highest unwed pregnancy rate in the nation, and, as Americans, we have an incredible rate for contracting AIDS and STDs. Despite all this information, abstinence-only education seems to rule the land, despite looking at reality.

Luckily for us, I developed the “Five Quick Facts” booklet for the Texans when they find out that most of the world is having sex and that abstinence-only education doesn’t work.

So here you go: What you should have learned in high school, but didn’t, because in reality “humans from 15 to 22 really don’t have sex.”

1. “Go out in groups, and get plenty of rest as to not make decisions when you are tired.” These are some of the suggestions that the advocates of abstinence-only education in Texas suggested as alternatives. Sweet, I like groups, and it’s a good thing I get plenty of sleep in class, so I can make well-thought-out decisions. Next time I fall asleep in class, don’t wake me up; I’m trying to make well-thought-out decisions.

2. “Instead of that party with a keg you were going to hold, hold a ‘chastity’ event.” Some schools are holding chastity events where students have rallies and promise to remain abstinent until they get married. After you promise you won’t fornicate, participate in the extreme awkwardness that usually takes place at these events.

3. “Abstinence is the only effective means to reduce the chances of getting pregnant or contracting an STD.” This is simply absurd. I know of a few other methods of reducing our risks as men, and a few for women too. It’s called condoms, birth control and latex. I would tend to think that a condom lowers the risk of getting pregnant, and so does birth control. But you know what? I could be wrong.

4. “The truth is that 25 percent of us, even here at Iowa State, either have an STD or will have one by the time they leave our campus.” That’s a lot of virus walking around. Count to 10 in your next class, and think that every 2.5 people have something nasty. Goodness, they should teach that to students. Scare them back into their pants.

5. “Who needs health programs?” Apparently not us, as highly regarded programs among health officials are being canceled because they don’t advocate abstinence-only. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was attacked by critics because its program was inconsistent with abstinence-only education.

The reality is that college students have sex. Lots of it. What we need to do is drop religious pressure and talk about sex and how to be safe when you do it. The epidemic of AIDS isn’t only in sub-Sahara Africa, it’s creeping into our bedrooms here in the United States.

Lets talk about sex, all right — safe sex.