My ethics class had an interesting discussion the other day where it was suggested that men were the most destructive force on the planet and should make every effort to become more womanly for the betterment of the human race. Or something like that. I don’t know because I was doing the crossword puzzle.

Ha ha, Professor Anthony — I am just kidding. Actually, I was engrossed with rapt attention in this interesting point and felt the need to interject my own opinion on the matter.

It seems to me this is untrue because becoming more womanly means you are more sensitive, and this invariably leads somebody to say “Let’s just be friends,” when you ask them out. This subsequently leads to non-procreation and the inevitable destruction of the species. New scientific evidence suggests that male dinosaurs spent too much time trying to convince females they had feelings and needed bonding time. The females were wholly impressed by this show of sensitivity, but felt no sexual attraction and the species subsequently died out.

“Jon,” you might be saying to yourself right now, “what in the world can I do to help save the human race? How can I help propagate our tremendous species?”

Lucky for you, ISU men, I’ve compiled some helpful hints on how to be the man that every woman wants. I remember in third grade when I asked Shannon Goldman if she wanted to be my girlfriend, and she broke out the “let’s just be friends” line. This started an amazingly consistent pattern of the “let’s just be friends” mantra.

But I have learned from mistakes, and I invite you to learn from them as well. Here are tips presented, in no particular order, to help you get the girl of your dreams!

Tip #1. Drink beer, and argue about sports. This might seem like the last thing you should do, but I contend that it is the first. Your would-be girlfriend will see the passion in your eyes when you hotly debate whether or not pitching to Garciapara with runners in scoring position was a good idea. She will wonder if that passion is translated into the bedroom. Then she will realize that it does because you are drinking beer and that makes you a man’s man.

Tip #2. Be clueless. Remember: Women are always attracted to something they can fix! This is why women clean more than men. They see an undesirable situation and feel the need to do something about it. You should aim to be that undesirable situation. Of course, this is a very subtle art, being an undesirable situation. Chandler Bing is the gold standard here.

Tip #3. Be wrong and be sorry. When you screw up (as you most certainly will) remember two things: 1) You are wrong and 2) You are sorry. Knowing what you are sorry about is most certainly the difficult part and you will not always have this information. Plead ignorance and flash the cute, caught the in headlights look. The ladies will melt, guaranteed. Or they will get frustrated, leave, and you can go drink beer with your friends. Speaking of your friends…

Tip #4. Hang out with your irresponsible friends. Now, it may seem that your girlfriend (if she’s put up with you this long, she’s your girlfriend) would want you to hang out with her. Nothing could be further from the truth. See, as a guy, you have a quota of scatological humor that must be filled. You must tell somebody about what you saw on ratemypoo.com. Your girlfriend simply will not appreciate the humor, but your friends will.

So there you have it. Shannon Goldman, you missed your chance with this classy guy. A clueless, wrong, sorry, drunkard who spends too much time arguing about sports with his friends.

Another, far more intelligent, woman managed to snap up this catch.