Remember back to the first time you saw “Father of the Bride.” Ah, such simple times the early ’90s were. You, like many, probably felt the movie was a harmless indication of the waning career of a once great comedian. Little did we know the fundamentally insidious nature of the movie and its propagandic push for a growing cultural movement of excess. What could be considered the end of Steve Martin’s career cannot be seen as the beginning of this movement, and nor should it be considered the root of the problem.

No doubt conspiracy theorists could find a connection with a satanic Disney corporation or uncover a plot by the Majestic 12 to fund transgenic ape research. Either way, that isn’t important. What is important is exposing and ending this insidious plot of robbing young men of tens of thousands of dollars of their hard-earned money. Some of you are lost. “What is this phantom menace?” you ask. For those of you not married or engaged, it is the wedding industry.

Many sources, including such dignified news outlets as USA Today, report that the average cost of a wedding is hovering around $20,000. Twenty friggin’ thousand friggin’ U.S. friggin’ dollars! This is not even counting the countless lost hours brides and grooms spend planning the ceremonies on such things as whether to use eggshell- or seaspray-colored invitations. The cost and time is so extensive now that many people are hiring “wedding planners.” Honestly, I’m not making this up. There are people out there that make a good living “planning” weddings. Unfortunately, society ultimately bears the cost of these parasites.

What’s worse is that all this money and time is wasted for an event more overly hyped than the unveiling of the Segway Transporter. What every bride expects to be a spectacle larger than Times Square on New Year’s Eve ends up being a generic 15 minute ceremony followed by a party with a bunch of blue-hairs dancing to music picked out by a man whose favorite band is Right Said Fred. The only reason newlyweds do not suffer severe bouts of depression and suicide after the colossal letdown is because they’re in Hawaii.

But men must see this farce for what it is: a scam to make women feel that they need to blow thousands of dollars on a wedding in order to feel like a “princess.” How terrible that this false industry would use the teenage insecurities of young women everywhere to extort thousands of dollars from their fiances. What’s worse is that men allow this to happen because their manhood is lacking.

It is time to say enough is enough. As James Brown once said, “It’s a man’s world.” Well, if it is, then can we not stop this madness? But also remember as Michael Jackson once said, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror.” Indeed, I am taking this fight up myself and drawing a line in the frosting. The greatest journey must start with a single step, and this revolution must start with one ordinary man saying no to this terrible plague in our society. To my Fawn Libawitz, to whom I am engaged to be engaged, I say that I will not spend more than $500 on our wedding, most of which will go toward cake and Guinness.

To those who stand against me I say, “Bring it on.” I will not waver and I will not give up in this mission to rid God’s green earth of this horrible blight that is the wedding industry.