Last week a reader suggested to me that my columns, some of which have taken more than 20 minutes to write, would be better if I got a little more serious and tackled some tougher issues (point of fact, this reader was almost certainly my proud father). Well, Iowa State, I couldn’t agree more. I should be using this “position in the public eye” to better serve the students and the Iowa State community in general. That’s why, as I promised in my last column, I went ahead and sorted out this pesky Veishea/rioting/tear gas thing.

The solution to Veishea is quite obvious: More beer. Lissenup, Veishea task force, because this is the most important thing that anybody has told you all year. In this column, I will lay out a proposal that brings Veishea back, sans riots, but raises money for the university and actually has some real live law enforcement approval.

To fix Veishea, you must ask more intelligent questions like “where are the riots happening?” Is Lagomarcino Hall overrun with unruly students tearing down light poles to get at the candy thrown from the parade? Are people tipping over farm equipment at Davidson Hall? Is tear gas and mace kept at MacKay Hall so as to hold off the lines for cherry pies?

The answer is, of course, no. Riots always happen at Welch Avenue. So quit shutting off Welch Avenue. A real, live policeman I chatted with actually agreed that this was a good idea.

“But Jon,” people are already frantically asking, “where will the food vendors go?”

We could just, um, not have the food vendors. Oh, I know that people might feel like it’s truly a travesty of justice not to have a corn dog, but I contend that $4 worth of deep-fried floor scrapings can keep its ass at the state fair. You should be eating a gyro, anyway.

But why is true Veishea peace found in the cold, foamy beer? This is the true brilliance of my plan. For Veishea to be a success, we must place beer tents all over campus and also by my house. The naysayers might be sitting there questioning what this will do, but I thought this would be obvious by now — it disperses the drunks into more manageable crowds that won’t riot. Also, the university can now exert some control as to who is drinking and who is not.

If Iowa State really has its “A” game out, the biology department has already cloned the gyro man, who has shown a propensity to manage the intoxicated. People line up peacefully when influenced by cucumber spread, not tear gas. It is Tabasco, not pepper spray, that is the true order-keeping pepper product.

(Note: I just suggested that we clone the gyro man. People who thought I was being serious can stop writing letters).

But ignoring the fact that my plan might have some ethical concerns (will the gyros made by clones be as good as the original?), I’d also like to point out that there is another university problem that is solved by this brilliance — and I even did some fact checking this time, for all those concerned. I did some research last weekend down at the Kansas City bars and that, coupled with my extensive case studies at Mickey’s, has led me to the conclusion that selling beer makes money. Maybe Iowa State could slaughter this proverbial cash cow.

So there you have it. There’s no place to riot as Welch Avenue is open to traffic as normal. Order is maintained by the gyro men and tasty lamb meat. And finally, the beer is used as a tool to stop riots and is not considered to be the root of all evil. The university is making money and I also have a beer tent outside of my house.

Typically, the solution lies in having a beer.