I’m very much annoyed at electromagnetic waves. For those of you who don’t know, EM waves are basically the reason that your radios, cell phones and TVs work. I’m not going to explain how this works because I have no clever analogy involving toilet humor and also because I really don’t know.

What I suspect, however, is that the electromagnetic waves have become self-aware and have developed some sick sense of humor wherein they sabotage my alarm clock radio. My alarm clock radio will only receive KISS 107 FM. The electromagnetic waves have officially owned me.

Of course, the worst thing about waking up to KISS 107 FM is the fact that whatever (warning — there’s Clark Griswold-esque rant coming) hopeless, useless, soulless, junior-high-school-targeted, carbon-copied, overplayed, over-hyped, overly cheerful — yet somehow filled with angst, spawn of Toni Basil monkey-scat that they’re playing when you wake up is what goes around in your head for the rest of the day.

While searching for meaning in the intellectual void that my alarm clock radio has to offer, I devised very crude taxonomy for the songs you might hear. It’s quite simple, but then you must remember the subject matter I am basing this list upon.

First, let’s start out with guy songs. You have your teen angst songs, which can be broken down into various orders (all encompassed by Good Charlotte). There’s an overly sappy/apologetic song (usually by Usher), and there are the dance tracks by a talentless Muppet who is unfairly famous (you should instantly be thinking of Justin Timberlake).

And then there’s rap, which can be broken down into two distinct families — stuff from “da club” and rappers talking smack about how much stuff they have: their cars, money and latest fivesomes.

Oh, and Lil’ Jon. I do like him. I am not really sure what he’s talking about, but that’s OK because he makes me laugh.

The girls get a little more complicated. You must break the girls down into six categories — 1) I’m in love; 2) I’m out of love; 3) I’m a rebel; 4) I love myself; 5) I hate myself. The sixth category is the one that always seems to be playing when I wake up — the song that required a really sexy video to make it a hit. I would reference Beyonce’s “Naughty Girl” or Britney’s “I’m a Slave 4 U.”

It would seem that record execs got down and, after picking five random songs out of a hat, wagered with each other on whether it could be a hit when accompanied by a hot video. There is no other conceivable explanation for these songs or Christina Aguilera’s career.

While we’re on the subject of videos, I would like to point out that Britney Spears unintentionally made one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen. It’s the one where Britney finds herself in an abusive relationship and subsequently tries to make a comment on society.

For those of you who haven’t seen it, Britney gets into a fight with her boyfriend who flips over a table.

Britney runs out of the room and decides to take a bath at which point she notices she’s been hit on the head, loses consciousness and apparently drowns in the tub.

The reason this is funny is because it’s Britney Spears doing it. Anybody who’s seen the movie “Crossroads” knows that Britney’s Thespian skills are such that she couldn’t act knocked out if you gave her a horse tranquilizer. That, and it’s ironic that she would make a comment on relationships, given she’s been married three times in the last five minutes.

The very minute I get some more time (probably during class), I’m going to continue work on the evolution of KISS 107 FM, the musical equivalent to bacteria.

I also need to figure out how the electromagnetic waves brought this on me in the first place.