Well, I know I went off on a music-related rant the other week, but I just can’t help myself. I have to do it again. My apologies, Iowa State, but this week I have to comment on the phenomenon that is Toby Keith.

For those of you who don’t know, Toby Keith is a popular country music singer who made himself famous with songs like “Shoulda Been a Cowboy,” “He Ain’t Worth Missin'” and a highly intelligent recent piece, “Beer for My Horses.”

Before the agriculture majors throw this paper down in disgust and vow never to read my column again, I’d like to point out that I like country music a great deal. I graduated with 35 people, and my town’s skyline was a grain elevator and a water tower, so, consequentially, I learned to love country music.

If you don’t listen to country, however, you might recognize Toby from his commercials. He is “a Ford truck man.” In his latest commercial, Toby punches the television screen twice, so as to convey a tough, hard image that is apparently supposed to make me run out tomorrow and buy a Ford truck.

However, this image could lend itself to advertising ventures other than Ford, like Under Armour hiring Toby to help “protect this house.”

Toby is so hard and tough with his big body, however, that I question whether I could handle a Ford truck. I’d be a little concerned that my Ford truck would develop a mind of its own, start hauling stuff it wasn’t supposed to and run over some John Kerry voters.

Toby’s hard and tough image is supplemented by facial stubble that, unfortunately, appears to be groomed.

I might remind Toby that the last person to do this was George Michael, the lead singer of the ’80s group Wham!, who turned out to be gay. This somewhat lessens Toby’s tough-ass image because now all I can think about is George Michael prancing around on stage.

I am kind of hoping that Toby will start his acting career. If this happens, I am making several predictions regarding the kind of movies Toby will star in…

His first movie will probably be something where Toby wins the love of a lonely farm woman whose former husband left her with a kid and a farm. Toby wins the woman’s heart by bailing hay and playing a guitar on her porch swing. When the former husband comes back, Toby will punch him in the same manner that he does in the Ford commercial.

A second effort will come when Toby tries to play the bad-guy-turned-good, probably by a farm woman. Toby will almost certainly be a real prick for about half the movie because he doesn’t show any emotion. But then the farm woman will bake him an apple pie or get him to talk about his father, and Toby will come around. He’ll discover the true meaning of Christmas and might even shave.

The reason I am hoping for this is that it may lead to the implosion of Toby’s career, and he won’t write songs like “Beer for My Horses” any more. You could make a case that the song sucks because the lyrics violate both the Sixth and Eighth Amendments (the rights to due process and freedom from cruel and unusual punishment).

Of course, I am far more concerned about giving beer to horses. I have to question the prudence of giving a tall, frosty beer to an animal that eats hay.

Do you think that a horse will appreciate the amber-colored, foamy-headed, bubbly goodness of beer? No, because the horse is pissed off about being usurped by a Ford truck. The beer should have been used to chase the whiskey.

Dammit Toby, this was just lousy planning. And honestly, anybody who writes songs about bars should have done much better than that.