So I got a parking ticket the other day. I was thrilled to get this parking ticket. I was absolutely ecstatic because it meant that the parking division of the Ames Police Department was “on the ball.” It was all over my illegally parked truck like a fat kid on a doughnut. This makes me sleep easier at night, knowing that illegally parked vehicles are instantly identified and the offender is slapped with a $10 fine.

Of course I am kidding. I hate the parking division of the Ames Police Department. I hate parking tickets, and I hate the fact that I am forced to pay them.

I should be very clear about something. I don’t hate the Ames Police Department. In fact, I like the Ames Police Department very much, and not just because an officer was nice to me when he saw me going to the bathroom in an alley. I like the Ames PD due to massive respect for what it does and the fact that officers might be reading this.

What I don’t have massive respect for is an institution that seemingly exists to fund itself. Is it really necessary to distribute those little white and yellow marks of parking sin? Sometimes I like to sit in class and try to determine how many of those damn Ranger pickup trucks that I have personally paid for. Usually the number is so staggering that I actually pay attention to the lecture, so I suppose there is something nice that the parking division does for me.

However, I always end up coming back to that infuriating moment when I realize “I got served.” The thing that is making me so mad is when you are parked on one side of the street and then at midnight you must be parked on the other side of the street.

Actually, I am all for this policy, as I cringe at the thought of people parking on only one side of the street. The sinister picture of chaos that is painted by that sort of lawless society makes me shiver with fear. Ha! I am, of course, joshing you all once again.

This may be the most inane policy ever. The parking people further add insult to injury by going around right at midnight to cash in on the bevy of people parked illegally. This is an incredibly savvy business move by the city of Ames, which has to pay for stellar snow removal and various Mace expenditures.

My one moment of comfort comes from Lied Rec Center. Oh, I know that it’s one of the worst exploitations of Iowa State’s parking division, but check this out — I figured out (once again during class) that I actually saved money by getting one parking ticket about every other week, rather than paying for my parking spot at the rec center. So there, ISU Parking Division — I win!

Now then, I understand that the people working for the parking division have had their own personal property destroyed by upset people. See, this isn’t nice either, so don’t do it. It’s way uncool to destroy personal property. What you should be doing is trying to bring these people working for the parking division over from the dark side. That’s what I’m going to do in my final paragraph.

Parking division people, hear me. You should all be questioning your very place in society after reading this. You can still end your parasitic existence in our world by quitting your job tomorrow. When the revolution comes and the uncool are banished from this dimension, don’t be one of those people.

If you throw down the keys to your Ranger in defiance of an unnecessary institution, you’ll be loved and respected wherever you go.

It’s the right thing to do.