So the Towers are set to come down. I myself am massively disappointed by this because of a great Towers tradition that my father engaged in and I never had the chance to. I am, of course, referring to dorm room pranks.

I love pranks. I believe that people playing pranks on each other shows initiative, application and the kind of self-starting attitude that America needs today.

Pranks can be as simple as they can be complex. Although complex pranks show intelligence, stupid people are not discriminated against when it comes to playing a good prank.

An excellent example of a simple joke that came at the expense of private property was the classic “ruin somebody’s bedding for the night” at the University of Northern Iowa (perfected by Josh Edgin, c. 1998).

The boys had been pouring giant cups of water in each other’s beds for roughly 20 minutes before the victim would go to sleep. Around 12:30 a.m., the dorm would be lit up with various expressions rhyming with “ruck hoff” and “whit fed.”

Edgin finally ended it all by unleashing the fusion bomb of the day, which was the largest can of Dinty Moore beef stew he could find and pouring it all over the perpetrator’s bed. Edgin subsequently spent the next three days locked in his room because I think that the Dinty Moore victim had a paintball gun.

My finest prank was played on a very high-strung young man named Matt Degner. During finals week, I placed a somewhat embarrassing book in Mr. Degner’s bag and didn’t tell him. I’m sure that there’s a place for the book “Gay Sex — A Guide to Homosexual Males” (this is completely true), but that place is not usually in the bag of somebody who is dating a minister’s daughter (also true).

Further, when it’s done in the library, the alarms go off, and once Degner’s bag was searched, he registers about a 9.6 on the pants-pissing scale.

But I digress. In Towers many years ago, my father was pretty good at miscreancy. He invented a variation on a classic prank that utilizes a can of shaving cream and a manilla envelope. Essentially, you fill the envelope with the shaving cream, stick the envelope underneath the door, knock on the door, and then when the person is coming, stamp as hard as you can on the envelope.

Dad’s variation involved some rubber hoses that he nicked from the chemistry building and a manipulation of water pressure that utilized the gap underneath the door. He and his friends would spray roughly 500 gallons of water into a buddy’s room and then run off chortling.

Another good one is penny-locking someone’s room shut. Basically, you hammer a bunch of pennies into the gap between the door and the frame, and the person inside can’t get out. This was usually done when the target had a date or had to drop a major deuce.

The involvement of the Towers was Dad’s finest hour. He’d lean a giant trash can filled with water up the elevator doors in such away that the trash can would fall out when they opened.

Apparently, however, this shuts elevators down for about a week, so don’t do it. A better idea is to take advantage of dorm room doors that open in. This is an excellent way to get back at someone who has poured a can of beef stew in your bed.

Yes, Iowa State, these are marks you must strive for. The work of alumnus Ted Crosbie was often imitated, yet never duplicated.

I put it to you to surpass the man’s achievements, difficult though that may be, and strive for new heights. The Towers may come down, but the progress must live on!