Let’s discuss the business regarding Iowa State vs. Iowa. I suppose I should start out by telling you all that I grew up in Ames, had two parents who went to Iowa State, and consequentially learned to hate the Hawkeyes at a very early age. So I say “Go Cyclones,” Cardinal and Gold through and through and all that bollocks.

It is my never-ending love for this institution that leads me to point out yet another flaw with those bastards at Coralville Community College. There is another competition for state supremacy that must be taken by the good people of Ames.

I am not sure if you are aware of this, Iowa State, but the Iowa people are notoriously arrogant about their gyroman.

Talk to a Hawkeye and he/she will tell you that Iowa’s gyroman is the pinnacle of gyro excellence, unchallenged by anyone. Of course, Iowa State is equally as arrogant, but there is a difference — we are, in fact, right.

See, I can make that statement because I have eaten both gyros and am totally unbiased. Further, I was in an equal state of intoxication when I ate both.

I can honestly say that our gyro, and our gyroman, is the finest in the state. Our gyro is wholesome, hardy and medicinally wards off hangovers. Iowa’s gyro is greasy and soggy, not unlike a bad comb-over on a bald guy.

Further, our gyroman is a legend even without the gyros. He’s out there in the cold, the heat, the rain, the snow … you name it and he’s there. And he showed up in Playboy! Our gyroman shows up in Playboy, but Iowa’s has only shown up in this article. Plus he escaped a lengthy battle with Jimmy John’s management.

Also, the gyroman succeeds where the Ames police department fails. He manages to control drunk people every weekend. Pay attention, Veishea task force, because this is the most important thing anybody has told you all week — if you want to stop riots, clone the gyroman and arm the clones with gyros.

I can 100 percent guarantee that drunks will line up in an orderly fashion. You can persuade a drunk much better with food than with Mace.

If this does not convince everybody of ISU superiority, I don’t know what will.

Of course, Iowa still insists that its gyro is better, and so I have come up with the perfect solution. The only way to sort this out is a gyro cookoff at the Iowa State-Iowa tailgate. It is then and only then that we can determine the true winner. There can be celebrity judges who can’t get any work, like Ben Ulin or Acie Earl. There can even be a trophy: The Golden Gyro Trophy.

This trophy will be the most coveted trophy in Iowa. Oh, I grant you the Cy-Hawk Trophy would be nice, but I want you all to think about this for a second. When the boys head east to try and reclaim what’s rightfully ours from those Iowa City swine, suppose they are successful.

Are you really going to drag your lazy ass all the way over to the Jacobson Building to see it?

No! You’re going to get drunk! Well, I am anyway. And what better way to further celebrate than to wrap your hands around the legendary Iowa State gyro: the best damn gyro in the whole damn state. Period.

You can then, and only then, truly enjoy an ISU victory.