An interesting thing happened to me the other evening when I was at a house party. I met a very nice young lady who was having shoe issues. It seems that she was having a hell of a time with three-inch heels on a gravel parking lot. Now, one would question the prudence of wearing three-inch heels anywhere on campus, but a deeper, more important issue came up.

I pointed out that one of the first things a guy sees when he sees a woman unnecessarily teetering around is that she is a “High Maintenance Item” or an HMI. A look of very apparent horror came over her face and she passionately insisted that she was not. She pointed over to her friend and told me, very brightly, that her friend was carrying her sandals in a bag. This, apparently, absolved her from HMS (High Maintenance Syndrome).

Hopefully, I do not need to point out the irony in someone who brings two pairs of shoes to a party claiming that they are not high maintenance. However, after extensive and exhaustive research that consisted of me asking people in line for the keg, I came to a chilling conclusion: People don’t really know if they are an HMI.

It is that problem that leads me into my latest contribution to Iowa State: “Are you an HMI? — A Scientific Quiz.” Gentlemen, listen up because you are not exempt from this phenomenon either. Much like cheerleading, HMS was something generally dominated by females and now infringed upon by males. So here we go…

1. When I go to class I am wearing…

A. The same colors on my shoes that can be found on my bag. Intentionally.

B. The same hat as I wore my freshman year.

C. The same underwear for four days running.

2. My ideal mate should remember…

A. The first time we kissed, how many seconds it lasted and what kind of gum I was chewing.

B. Birthday, relevant anniversaries and favorite brand of beer.

C. Name and gender (theirs and mine).

3. Is it possible to maintain a monogamous relationship in college?

A. Yes, if he/she is willing to put in the effort, commitment, time, and money that it takes to be 100 percent committed to another human being.

B. Yes, if he/she is willing to lop off various parts of my anatomy should I cheat.

C. Yes, if he/she is hot enough.

4. During Christmas, my ideal mate would spend too much money on me if…

A. Too much? I’m a prize to be won. Or lost.

B. Uhh… it made my present look bad.

C. Santa brought a case of Busch Light instead of Fire Sale Beast.

5. The type of intellectual conversation I need is…

A. World issues, relationship definitions and a caring ear.

B. Bitching about my organic chemistry test.

C. Word-for-word recitation of the Homer Simpson bologna song.

6. If somebody said that I wore the pants in the relationship, that person would be…

A. Damn straight.

B. Wrong. I am owned by my significant other.

C. What does this “wearing of pants” mean? I don’t own pants.

Let’s tally your score! Lots of A’s are bad and lots of C’s mean that you require less maintenance than a beta fish. B’s are what to shoot for. If you score heaps of B’s, congratulations. You’ve probably already been snapped up and are probably making somebody happy.

Though I think you should have more appreciation for the bologna song.