Guys, take notice — Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals, the Cincinnati-based manufacturer of Enzyte, is deeply concerned about the health of your penis.

Along with Enzyte, “the effective, reliable way to natural male enhancement” (whatever natural male enhancement is), Berkeley has also released Prulato. The new pill is designed to increase the “number of ejaculatory contractions for much longer-lasting orgasms.” Which I think is a great idea, because American men don’t enjoy sex nearly enough.

Personally, I’m waiting for the pill to come along that will empower me to lift weights with my genitals. What’s a “nutraceutical,” you might ask? Berkeley defines it literally as a dietary supplement. Turns out “Smiling Bob” in the Enzyte commercials isn’t taking a prescription — he’s taking plant extracts. In fact, the people selling Enzyte don’t even claim that it will increase the size of your penis whatsoever, regardless of what all those innuendoes and sight gags might imply.

All Enzyte is meant to do is provide “fuller” erections, but of course, Berkeley offers no specific guarantees and even states that it cannot cure any disease or condition, such as erectile dysfunction. Sorry, boys; there is no pill that can increase the size or length of your penis, so the people at Berkeley are vague as to what exactly Enzyte can do for you. The only person truly grinning is Berkeley founder Steven Warshak, because Berkeley is supposed to rake in an estimated $250 million in sales from Enzyte and other nutraceuticals it sells to people who don’t need its products. Obviously, there is a huge market in capitalizing on mankind’s gross fear of coming up “short.”

Starting to sound funny? How about the fact that since Berkeley is a provider of herbs and supplements and is not technically a provider of prescriptions, it isn’t required to back any of those claims with Food and Drug Administration approval. If you look closely at the commercials, you can see the disclaimer.

But that full refund deal sounds too sweet not to try it, right? Well, Berkeley is going to be slapped with a class-action lawsuit, courtesy of Consumer Alert, for shady billing practices.

According to an article by a Philadelphia TV station, (“Free Supplement Ends Up Not Being Free,” NBC10.com), angry customers filed their complaints with Consumer Alert against Berkeley for charging them the full price of Altovis, Berkeley’s fatigue-fighting nutraceutical. Berkeley didn’t exactly stop charging when the customers tried to cancel their enrollment in the program.

It seems that shoppers weren’t aware of that when they signed up for a “free” sample of Altovis, they were also signed up for an auto-ship and auto-charge program for continued supplies. Berkeley has responded by saying, “The company is currently evaluating its [billing] policies going forward and has not yet finalized all changes.”

The fun doesn’t stop there. Berkeley has 10 other nutraceuticals ready to be dropped on the national market like a huge, unnecessary bomb, complete with a sortie of advertisements.

The pills, made from exotic plants and extracts from around the world, will “treat” ailments ranging from poor vision, insomnia and bad skin to weight loss and stress. Oh I can’t wait for the television ads for Suvaril, the weight-loss pill. I can see it now: a beautiful, 30-something white female staring seriously into the camera, saying over inspirational music, “My husband treats me like a proper trophy wife by draping me in diamonds every time I lose weight. He likes it when there is less of me!”

Then maybe include a shot of them doing something independent, like rock climbing, fully demonstrating that they’re not being jerked around by a food company that doesn’t bother with pesky FDA approvals or regulations.