As a freshman you’ve probably all been inundated with heaps of advice. Generally this advice is given with the hope that you will be a responsible pillar of the community. Eight hours of sleep a night … two hours of study for every hour of lecture …work out to stay healthy … no booze, all that sort of nonsense.

Well, lucky for you, ISU freshmen, this guy isn’t going to fill your head with some sort of crap like “make sure you go to class.” I’m going to give you the real advice. The college student advice. The advice that turns a six-page paper into 10 by changing the font to Lucidia and moving the margins in a quarter of an inch.

Let’s start with the fallacy about needing eight hours of sleep a night. You can, in fact, substitute Red Bull for sleep at the rate of roughly one can per hour and a quarter of sleep that you missed.

Breakfast is probably going to be far too difficult for you to get to, so make sure you have plenty of Easy Mac in your dorm room. When you move out of the dorms, you can graduate to ramen. If you find that your clothes smell bad for whatever reason pour a half a bottle of Febreze into your laundry hamper and stir it around with a broom handle. That should help.

Now that you’re out of bed, let’s move on to classroom etiquette. Ladies, you should probably know that getting up at six, fixing your hair, makeup, and jumping into a cute little color-coordinated outfit doesn’t impress anybody. On Friday mornings, it’s actually quite amusing to try and separate the “dressed to kill” crowd from the “walk of shame in progress” crowd.

Guys, there is a time when it becomes uncool to wear your high school letter jacket.

That time was about 15 minutes ago.

And by the way, that goddess that sits by you in Chem 177 is high maintenance. Run screaming in the opposite direction.

If you and your roommate aren’t getting along, don’t try to work it out. What you should do is complain about it incessantly to all of your friends who will subsequently stop hanging out with you and then you have no choice but to get along with your roommate and his slightly disconcerting obsession with Yu-Gi-Oh.

Finally, quit obsessing about the bars. Don’t try to sneak in with a fake ID, because that’s stupid. It’s not stupid in that it’s illegal, it’s stupid because your party psyche is in a very fragile place at the moment. You’ve got to put in some time at house parties first and make an ass of yourself in front of people who will take care of you when you accidentally get your head stuck in an Igloo cooler trying to perform an experiment in volume comparison.

Never forget that you are in college to learn. Learning is your biggest priority during your time here at Iowa State, and your thirst for newly acquired knowledge shouldn’t just be quenched by classes. This is a school of discovery, so go out invent elaborate and highly technical dorm room pranks.

Remember to set goals. You are nothing without goals, so try to play Halo for eight straight hours stopping only to pee in a bottle sitting right beside you. Be creative! If you look in your fridge and see three cans of Dr. Thunder and a bottle of peppermint schnapps, mix the two and spend the drinking time trying to come up with a clever name (hint: the ensuing time you will spend in the bathroom the next morning and the name “Dr. Thunder” can work itself into a clever play on words).

Yes, ISU freshmen, remember to “see the forest through the trees” and not to get bogged down by challenges such as “reading” or “waking up at 11 a.m.” Ninety percent of college is fun.

The other 10 percent is deciding on a major.